“Don’t flatter yourself,” I snap, not meaning to be rude.
Silence falls between us until we get to her level. We step out and walk to her door. She fumbles with her purse because of her wrist, trying to find her swipe key, so I gently take it from her, grab the key, swipe, and hold the door open for her. She doesn’t acknowledge that as I follow her in.
“Who is he?” I ask her.
“Manuel.”
I glare at her, and she glares at me. “Have you fucked him?” The words come out harsher than I wanted.
“Fuck you.” She points at me. “I can’t believe you’re asking about my sex life when you’ve been screwing all the bunnies.”
“At least they want me.”
“You’re just a notch on their belt, a review on their Reddit account. They don’t see you as anything more than a big cock that they can ride and tell the world about.”
Ouch.
“Are you seeing Manuel?”
She rolls her eyes. “He’s asked me out.”
“That’s not what I asked. Are you seeing him?” I ask through clenched teeth.
“No, because I can’t stop thinking about a fucking stupid hockey player.” Collette gasps as her hands cover her mouth as if the words were not supposed to be spoken aloud.
We stare at each other, the silence stretching for what feels like an eternity.
“I haven’t slept with any bunnies.”
She raises a brow, surprised by my comment. “Not one?”
“Not one. I tried. I couldn’t do it.” I shove my hands in my pockets because I don’t know what to do with them. “Couldn’t even kiss one without feeling like I was cheating on someone who isn’t mine.”
Her lip trembles. “Fish …”
“I know it’s pathetic. Trust me, I know.” I let out a breath. “You asked me once if I was sick of sleeping with women who only want the superficial. The answer is yes. But the real answer is, I stopped wanting any of them the day I met you.”
She’s crying now, not the dramatic kind, the quiet kind. The kind where the tears just fall, and she doesn’t wipe them away because she’s too tired to pretend anymore.
“I miss you so much it physically hurts,” she whispers. “I wake up every morning and check my phone, and there’s nothing, and it’s like losing you all over again every single day.”
“You didn’t lose me. I was right here the whole time. I just couldn’t be near you without wanting things I’m not allowed to want.”
“I want them too.” Her voice cracks. “I want all of it. I just don’t know how to have it without everything falling apart.”
“Maybe it falls apart. Maybe it doesn’t. But I’d rather try and lose than spend another night jerking off alone in my apartment pretending I don’t love you.”
She chokes out a laugh through the tears. “That’s the most romantic and disgusting thing anyone has ever said to me.”
“You’re welcome.”
The fight drains out of both of us. Whatever wall was left between us just crumbled, and neither of us has the energy to rebuild it. She wipes her face with the back of her good hand and lets out a shaky breath.
“I need to sit down. My head is …” She sways slightly, her good hand reaching for the kitchen counter but missing it.
I don’t think, I just move. I scoop her up, one arm under her knees, one behind her back, and carry her to the sofa. She makes a sound that’s half protest, half surprise, but her good arm loops around my neck instinctively, and her head drops against my chest.
“I can walk,” she mutters into my shirt.