When I do meet her eye, she looks so goddamn sincere I want to squeeze her to my chest and never let go. I nod, letting her proceed and we spend the next half an hour on plant and animal physiology.
As we sit down to eat, a notification from the CalmMe app appears on my phone but I shove it into my pocket before Danika can see. She notices the motion with a narrowed eye but doesn’t say anything.
Should I just tell her about all of it?
No. The very last thing I want is for Danika to think of me like a ticking time bomb. Like I could explode on her at any minute. That I needhelpto be a normal, regular person. What would she think of me then?
Then it dawns on me. I’m not ready for her.
Maybe I am still a bomb ready to explode. I’ve been doing so much work with Melissa and this app but maybe I’m not fully ready to be with her. I shouldn’t open this door for us until I’m absolutely certain that nothing will happen to her. Or nothing will happen to us to make her doubt me.
I want to spend all my time with her. I want her to want me. But I’m afraid that her wanting me will lead to her being afraid of me.That’sthe very last thing I ever want. It’s not lost on me that she thinks I am violent. And I haven’t really done anything to disprove that point recently.
There’s no rush, really. We are in a good place. There’s no reason to rock the boat if I’m not ready to face the consequences of someone going overboard.
Okay. Redirect.
I had gone into this date with the intention of making her my girlfriend but now that I’ve realized we’re not ready for that, I need to shift the focus.
“How were classes today?”
“Fine. It’s back to regularly scheduled programming now that midterms are over.” She takes a bite of the steak and visibly holds back a groan. “This is really good.”
“Thanks,” I reply, taking my own bite. We eat in comfortable chatter for a while, catching up on classes and friend drama. I want to ask if Nico’s still giving her a problem but I also don’t want to say his name and bring up bad memories. She hasn’t mentioned him in a while so I can only assume he’s backed off.
I can tell she’s antsy since I told her we’d be having a conversation but she doesn’t bring it up and neither do I. Any change can be scary and unless we’re both one hundred percent certain we want to do this, we shouldn’t.
This decision doesn’t change my feelings for her. If anything, it makes them stronger. It also makes the work I’m doing on myself so much more important. So much more necessary.
When we finish, Danika grabs the plates and takes them to the sink to rinse before putting in the dishwasher. I start to help but she swats at my hands to keep them away from the plates.
“You know the drill. You cook, I clean.”
I love having a domestic routine with her. Geez, these back and forth feelings are giving me whiplash.
As Danika does the dishes, I sit at the counter, watching her.
“Like what you see?” She teases.
“What if I do?”
Danika flips off the water and turns around, leaning back against the sink.
“Should we talk…about this?”
Yes. No. Fuck.
She knows that was my intention with this dinner. To sit her ass down and talk to her about whatever the hell is it we’re doing and how to make it more of a permanent situation. I don’t want to be her friend with benefits. I want to be her boyfriend. I want to be her everything. One day.
But I can’t be that until I’m sure that I’m fully ready. Physically I am. But emotionally? I just want to be one hundred percent sure there’s nothing that can cause her to doubt me.
Until I am, we need to keep it going the way we were going. Fake dating hook up buddies who aren’t in love with each other.Good fucking luck with that.
Game face on.
I saunter over toward her, swag on full display. As much as I want to have a deep, emotional conversation with her, I think it’s best for us both if I deter that. So instead, I do what I do best. I seduce her.
“We don’t have to talk.” I wrap my arm around her waist, pulling her fully against me.