“Sure,” I agree tentatively. “Yes.” I move my pacing to the kitchen, filling a glass with water from the sink to quench my suddenly parched throat. I spend most of the session talking through the events of last night, Melissa asking me clarifying questions throughout.
“Okay, I have an idea. Let’s put aside what happened last night. I assume you want to be prepared to talk to her when she does return. Let’s focus on that with our remaining time.”
I refill the glass and take it to the dining room table, my back to the front door. It helps to be near the exit for some reason, just in case I need to go for a walk to let off some steam. There’s a shuffling in the hallway. One of my neighbors must’ve just gotten home.How nice, can you get Danika to come home too?
“I like to do a kind of ‘mind’s eye’ exercise with my patients. Think about Danika and your relationship with her. You said she has some reservations about you. Put yourself in her shoes. What might she say to you if you ask her for more in this relationship? The point of this activity is to see where your insecurities lie and then we can tackle those one at a time. So, what do you think she’d say?”
I think for a moment. She’s afraid I’ll hurt her. She thinks I’m like her father. I have to prove to her that I’m nothing like him. “Probably something like: ‘Being close feels dangerous, even when it shouldn’t.”
Melissa hums, encouraging me to continue. So I do. Even though it hurts. Really fucking bad. “It’s probably better to let this go before anyone gets hurt. I deserve someone better who won’t bring chaos into my life’.”
“What do you mean by chaos?”
“This mess, this back and forth. We’ve been doing it for years whether we knew it or not. Especially after what happened last year. Everything changed after that.”
“I recall you being happy about that interaction last year.”
“I was. But I’m not sure how Danika felt about it. We never talked about it. Not really. She’s a great avoider when she wants to be.”
Melissa talks me through a few more ideas for how to approach the conversation with Danika before we hang up and I take in as much as I can. I know everything she says is subjective but it’s the only lifeline I have right now. I even tell her about the app and she seems on board and asks me to send her the link to check it out herself. I feel equipped to tackle some kind of conversation with Danika when she comes home.If.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Danika
Ispendthewholeof Sunday with Gemma in her dorm. We study, watch movies and have girl talk. It’s nice to be able to spend time with someone other than Arden. I miss having girl energy in my life.
But I can’t stay there forever, a fact I’m not yet willing to face.
“Are we going to talk about what happened last night with Arden or are we going to keep pretending you two didn’t have a dramatic Hallmark movie style blowout in the KA backyard.”
I roll my eyes, throwing a piece of popcorn into my mouth. “We did not have a blow out. We had a conversation.”
“A loud one.”
“Oh what do you know? You were too drunk to comprehend anything.”
“Your raised voices were the only reason I was able to find you.”
I glare at her, unwilling to counter that argument any further. I guess it was pretty heated. We both said some interesting things.
I want you, Danika. I’ve always wanted you.
What the hell did he mean by that?
He can’t possibly mean what I think he means. Always? Since when did a situationship become analways? I mean, I’ve dreamed about being with him since I was a teenager but that was it…a dream. It was never meant to be a reality.
“What’s with you two? Clearly you like each other. You’ve been fake dating for months. Why does it have to be fake?”
“It’s complicated. I should probably get home.” I get up from the couch and go to grab my shoes and jacket.
“You’re avoiding the topic but lucky for you, I need to stretch my legs so you can tell me the whole story while I walk you back to your apartment.”
I open my mouth to protest but she cuts me off with a glare. Fine, maybe it will be nice to talk to someone on the outside about this. I love Margot but she’s more than a little biased about the whole situation.
Gemma and I put on our coats, and I tighten the sweatpants I borrowed from her to sleep in. As we leave the dorm, I start on the saga.
“We grew up together. I hated being at my house so I spent much of my growing years with Arden and his sister, Margot, my best friend. Of course, I’ve always had a massive crush on him because are you even a teenage girl if you didn’t have a crush on your best friend’s brother?”