But that all went out the window when her robe hit the floor.
Melissa's call comes in right at the six o'clock mark. She’s alarmingly punctual.
“Melissa.”
“Hi, Arden. How are you today?”
“Honestly, I’ve got so much to say that I think we need to skip the pleasantries today.”
“Oh boy, please go on,” she says, the sound of a pen clicking in the distance.
I spend the next few minutes recapping the events of the day, from the overheard conversation to the sexual encounter—leaving out the dirtier details—to the conversation Danika and I just had on the couch.
“So, what should I do?” I ask in earnest, even though I know she’s not going to give me a real answer.
“You know I’m not going to answer that.”Worth a try.“Let’s unpack some of this.”
I sigh, putting my feet up on my desk.
“How did you feel when you heard Danika call you violent?”
“Well, she didn’t actually say the word but, yeah it was implied.”
Melissa stays silent on the other side of the phone, and I know that’s her cue for me to continue. I wish we didn’t have to do these sessions over the phone but I started seeing her shortly before coming to study at TU last year and I just don’t have it in me to find someone else. Finding and committing to seeing her was hard enough for me.
“I guess it made me feel bad. Weak. Unworthy of her.”
“What do you mean, weak?”
Running my hands through my buzzed head, I think of how to word my confusing thoughts.
“I’ve spent a lot my time worrying about Danika. When we were kids, I saw how her parents were treating her, and I guess I decided to take her in as a sister of sorts like Margot. But, it became pretty apparent as we both grew up that it was more than a sibling kind of feeling. At least for me.
The last way I think of her now is like a sister,” I laugh.
“I’m not seeing how your worrying about her makes you weak.”
“It’s not that, exactly. It’s more like my willpower is weak when it comes to her. My techniques go out the window. Like when I hit that guy at the party last week. I’ve spent months doing really good work on my anger and it seemed under control, but one cry from her and I was back at square one. It scared her.”
“I see.”
“I want her to see me as someone who will protect her but I don’t want her to ever think that I would use my anger against her.”
“Have you ever done that?”
“Of course not.” My feet drop to the floor with a thud at the very suggestion. “I just know her parents really messed her up. I don’t know the full extent of it but, yeah. She’s got some demons in that pretty head of hers.”
Melissa hums in understanding.
“Before we end, let’s tackle this friends with benefits topic.”
It’s kind of funny to be so open with a random person like this, but therapy has taught me that being open and vulnerable is the only way to understand and make sense of your feelings.
“She wants to ‘enjoy the benefits of ourpretendrelationship’, unquote.”
“Do you want to do that too?”
“Fuck yes. I’ve wanted her for years at this point. This should be a dream come true.”