‘Fuck.’
‘I’ll take that as ano, then.’
‘That was probably the best kiss of my life,’ she says, and I’ve never been surer that abutis coming, so I get in before she does.
‘But?’
She faces me. ‘But, Nick – oh my god,’ she says with a wry laugh. ‘What the actual fuck are we doing?’
I blink several times, then exhale sharply. Because there’s no good answer to that.
19
DELANEY
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
And one more for good measure –fuck!
That was not supposed to happen – the thing that I really wanted to happen and accidentally on purpose made happen. Or at least played my part. I can’t lay the blame solely on Nick – this is on me as much as him.
I speed-walk back to the hotel, Nick right beside me and neither of us speaking. I’m guessing, like me, he’s beating himself up and feels sick to his stomach about cheating.
I’m not a cheater. Only, turns out I am.
When we get to the door of the suite, Nick places his hand on my shoulder.
‘Delaney, wait.’
I turn but I can’t bring myself to look at him. Because if he’s looks at me the way he did on that bench, then I cannot be held responsible for my actions. Well, Ican– but…
‘Do you want me to find somewhere else to sleep tonight?’
That’s not what I expected and I meet his eye. ‘No – there isn’t anywhere.’
‘There might be – a bunk in a hostel or staff quart?—’
‘But you don’t have to?—’
His loud sigh cuts me off.
‘Do youwantto sleep someplace else?’ I ask.
‘Truth?’
‘Always,’ I reply instinctively.
‘I don’t want to sleep somewhere else. And I don’t want to sleep with a wall of pillows between us.’
‘What do you want?’ I ask in a hoarse whisper.
‘I want to take you inside, and slowly undress you, and touch my lips to every part of you, and make love to you, and hold you as you climax, then make love to you all over again until we fall asleep, sweaty and exhausted, with your head on my chest.’
I go to speak, but all that comes out is a squeak – I’m a mouse that’s been let loose in a cheese factory.
‘But because we’re both with other people,’ he continues, ‘I’m not going to do that –we’renot going to do that. But I’m also not sharing a bed with you. I can’t – it’d be torture.’
I’m positive my eyes are the size of dinner plates right now and my words have completely dried up.