I shrug. “Not really.”
My mom nods then rises from the table and heads over to the sink to rinse out her cereal bowl. Yes, my mom is nearly fifty and still eats cereal almost every morning. She says she’ll never stop, and we all think it’s hilarious.
“God,” she sighs. “I just… I can’t believe Kolter came over the other day. I was beginning to wonder if we’d ever see him again.”
My stomach instantly turns at the mention of him, and I find myself searching for the nearest exit. Mom turns to face me when I don’t respond then tilts her head to one side.
“Is everything okay? I know you took his leaving harder than all of us. That’s why I thought you’d be happy to see him.”
“I was—I mean, I am. It was fine.” I pause, cursing my awkward rambling. “He’s just… not the guy he used to be, you know?”
My mom’s smile turns sad. “No doubt because of his good-for-nothing father. I swear to God, if I ever cross paths with that man again, I’ll run him over with my car.”
My eyebrows shoot up in surprise at the intensity of her words. My mom is a kind woman, a gentle one; I rarely see her get fired up. But there are two topics she never discusses—Kolter leaving and our father. Now that one of those topics has been brought up, it’s easy to see why she tends to avoid it altogether.
“Well, let’s hope you never cross paths with him. That’s murder, and you wouldn’t do well in prison.”
My mom snorts. “You’re right about that.”
I smile sadly as she sighs.
“I just… I wish I could turn back time. As soon as I got custody of Kolter, I would have taken all of you kids and ran—gone somewhere he’d never find us. Then he could never have sunk his claws into Kolter. I imagine how different his life could be if I’d been a little braver.”
I frown. “Mom, you can’t blame yourself. Besides, it’s not like Kolter seems to have a bad life.”
She shakes her head. “You don’t know what their world is like. How dangerous it is. The horrors those men have to go through for the sake of Matthew’s whims.”
“And you do?” I challenge.
She hesitates for a moment before nodding. “You have to remember—I grew up with him. His dad was at least twice as terrible as he was. Matthew was always a mean-spirited person, but the MC, his dad, it all amplified it. Kolter, though,” she says with a heavy exhale. “He was good; he still is. I just worry about how that world is treating him. I worry he’ll grow into a man I’m not familiar with, and that will break my damn heart.”
I sometimes forget how deeply seeded Kolter is in our family. Too blinded by my own selfish desires, I forget that my mom effectively lost a son; that my brothers lost a sibling. I thought I’d suffered the worst of it, but, in reality, I’m only one of the many casualties.
“I’m glad he’s come back around,” I say carefully. “I’m glad you have him back.”
My mom looks to me with a soft smile. “Not sure how long it will last, but I’ll drink in the moments with all you kids while I can.”
I dreamed about him last night, though it’s every night these days. I swear, the more I try to push him out of my head, the more he infiltrates my every waking thought. I’m getting sofucking sick and tired of it. I just need… a break. I tried to call Arianna, but she didn’t answer, so I FaceTime Cassi instead.
It takes a few rings before the screen comes to life, then Cassi smiles and waves as she props up the phone and begins making what looks like nachos.
“Hey, what’s up?” she asks.
“Nothing, just needed a distraction. What are you up to?” I ask as I lie back on my bed.
“Making a snack. You?”
“Starving. What are you making? I can be over in five,” I say, laughing, though I’m a hundred percent serious.
Cassi tenses for a moment before laughing me off. “No way, moocher.”
My laughter softens as my brows pull together. “Wait, where are you? That doesn’t look like your kitchen. Oh my God. Are you at Alec’s house?”
She did tell me that she’s been seeing her ex-boyfriend recently. I love that for her. He adored her, practically worshipped the ground she walked on, and we all thought they were going to be endgame. He’s handsome, sweet and, most importantly, not a cheating piece of shit like her sister’s boyfriend.
Cassi grabs the phone, quickly abandoning the nachos, and steps outside, laughing nervously. “Um, nooo.”
I tilt my head to the side, waiting for her to explain where she is. Instead of saying anything, though, she just stares at me with a guilty look.