He shakes his head and turns to leave, but I’m not done yet. Everyone’s betraying me, everyone I thought was my friend is turning out to be working against me, and I can’t take it anymore. I can’t take the hurt. It stings my chest and my eyes and my throat, and I need some kind of outlet.
“Tell me why you did it. Was it one last way to stick it to us snobby Oakwoods kids you hate so much?”
Jay storms back to me, his dark eyes more intense than I’ve ever seen them before. “Open your eyes, Carina! I’m here because I saw the video and I turned my ass around and went straight to Oakwoods to find you. Before I could even get out of my car, Emi intercepted me and demanded to know why I told people about Kalani offering to pay me for dating you. She said it’s making the rumors worse, which, fine, makes sense. But I’ll tell you the same thing I told her: I never said anything to anyone. I don’t even go to your school—how could I make the rumors worse? I shouldn’t even have to clear this up with you. I’d never do any of that to you!”
He’s right in front of me now, forcing me to tilt my head up to meet his angry eyes, and the fierceness in them knocks some of the fury from my system. He saw the video and heard the rumors and went straight to Oakwoods to find me. Then he came here to check on me. I believe him, and a small part of me always knew Jay wouldn’t betray me. He cares. He has to. And I actuallytrustJay. I open up to him and tell him things and feel comfortable being honest with him because he’s shown time and time again that he’s trustworthy.
But if it wasn’t him, then who? Rumors have to come from somewhere. The puking stuff is self-explanatory, but no one knew about paying for dates except Jay.
Jay, like always, knows where my thoughts are heading. “Put the pieces together, Princess. The only people who know about it are you, me, and your friends, and we know you and I didn’t say anything.”
My voice loses its harshness. “Are you saying my friends turned me into the school joke? Why would they do that?”
Jay softens just the smallest bit before he masks it. “I don’t know, Princess. I can’t do all the thinking for you. I’ll get off your porch before you go full entitled princess on my ass.” He turns and takes a few steps but then shakes his head and comes back to me. “You know, you should just say how you feel and be honest with people instead of stringing them along, Carina.”
“What’sthatsupposed to mean?”
His eyes roam my face, heating me from the inside out, before he says, “You know exactly what it means.”
This time, when he turns to leave, he doesn’t stop. He storms all the way to his car, gets in, and drives off without a second glance. I watch the entire thing from the same spot he left me in, my hands shaking, my heart pounding, and my head more confused than ever. Did my friends tell everyone about the dates and bribing Jay? Are they the reason all the horrible memes and rumors about me are being passed around? And what does Jay mean about being honest with people instead of stringing them along? I don’t do that. Do I?
I stand there with the door open behind me, letting all the bugs in, staring at nothing for what must be five minutes before Kevin barks to get my attention. I follow her inside and close the door, walking back up the stairs to my room with heavy legs.
My phone vibrates in my back pocket, and I remember the text from Emmett I never answered. The newest text is from Mom, asking why she got a call from the school saying I never showed up to first period.
I text her back.
Skipped. Had a substitute teacher.
Not a complete lie, since our teacher told us on Friday she wouldn’t be in today. I can’t tell Mom what’s going on, especially overtext. I’m sure she’ll find out before I have the chance to tell her anyway.
I click on Emmett’s text, expecting to see him to trying to comfort me, make me feel like everything’s all right, like I always imagined Emmett would do when I still had a crush on him. When I read it, though, I’m surprised by how unsurprised I am.
Are you okay, Carina? Kids are assholes, ignore them. But you should come back to school, we shouldn’t skip class a week before exams.
I scoff out loud. Of course he’s concerned withexams.That’s such an Emmett text. I don’t even know why past Carina would’ve expected anything different. Emmett has always been a stickler for the rules, for doing what’s right over caring about people’s feelings or what’s truly best for them. Maybe the hearts in my eyes blinded me from seeing it before. But I know it now, and it’s annoying.
He doesn’t understand that I’m allowed to take a personal day to mull over everything and wallow. He definitely doesn’t understand that I can’t face everyone right now with my puking image and my reputation for being a loser who can’t get a date all over the internet. He didn’t even try tocallto see how I was feeling. Jay heard the news and went to Oakwoods right away to find me, then he drove here. He didn’t care about skipping school before exams, he cared aboutme.
And I was a complete bitch to him.
I step into my room, and the corner all set up to paint stares back at me. I have all these emotions that are just dying to be released. I didn’t know what to paint when I first stood here, but now my hands itch to get started, to get the image onto the canvas.
I place Kevin on top of my bed, where she curls up to fall asleep, then I set up some shades of pink, pick up my paintbrush, and begin to paint.
Eighteen
When I wake up on Tuesday morning, I decide to stay home from school, and I get someone to cover for me tonight at work too. I just need somemetime. I can’t hide out at home forever, but itisthe last week before exams, then prom, then graduation, then I’ll never have to see anyone from high school ever again. People will forget about all of this with time, hopefully. But right now, I’m still hot news, and I’d rather let the drama die down a bit before jumping straight into the fire.
By the time my parents got home last night, they had already seen the video of me all over Instagram on popular video-sharing pages, so they knew exactly why I didn’t want to go to school today. Is it embarrassing to be reposted by all those accounts with hundreds of thousands of followers? Absolutely. And there’s no way in hell I even bothered readingthosecomments. But at least it saved me from having to explain it to my parents and show them the videos and memes myself. So that’s a plus . . . I guess?
Mom came knocking on my door when she got home last night, but I told her I didn’t want to talk about it. Besides, I was so deep in my painting zone she let me be. I guess she was just happy to see me not crying my face off and focused on something productive instead. She didn’t even care that I’m skipping school today. We’re not learning anything new, anyway, since every class is only focusing on exam prep for next week, and I’ve got that covered by myself.
The original video is still going around, the view number keeps climbing and climbing, and I don’t want to deal with it. I try to spend the day studying, but I keep being called back to finish my painting. Very irresponsible of me with exams coming up, but I can’t turn it off once I’m in the artistic mood.
Emi comes knocking around noon. I know it’s her because I can hear her yelling at me to open the door all the way from my room with my window cracked open just the tiniest bit, but I don’t answer the door. The last time I did, I got in an argument with Jay and accused him of something I’m now certain he didn’t do, so I figure it’s best to ignore her and hope she goes away.
Eventually, Emi gives up with a threatening shout that “This isn’t over!” and once she’s gone, I’m struck by Kalani’s silence. Emi, Emmett, Jay, and even Daphne have reached out to me via text or calls or, in Emi’s and Jay’s case, knocking at my door and swearing at me to open up, but it’s like Kalani has ceased to exist, like she either really doesn’t think it’s a big deal or doesn’t care about my feelings at all. Quite frankly, I’m shocked at how nonchalant she’s being about this. If that were Kalani being called Pukey McBarfface, she’d be in a spiral. Out of all of us, she’s the one who cares most about what people think of her, so she should understand how awful it is that everyone’s gossiping about me. But even if it’s not a big deal to her, she clearly knows it’s affected me, and she should reach out because of that. I would if our roles were reversed. Hell, even Jay did.