When I get outside, I set her on her feet but keep her hand in mine. “Should we go check out the lake?”
Her dark eyes squint up at me, and it tugs at something deep in my heart.
This is getting out of hand. I’m slowly … no, there’s nothing slow about it. I’m quickly falling in love with Mila, but I need to think about this realistically. I’m not engaged to her brother. I’m nothing to her … but yet at the moment, I’m everything. I’m the only person she feels safe with right now. How can I take that away from her? And is my love even real, or am I projecting my own childhood desires onto her?
“Look,” Mila says, plopping down on a grassy spot by the lake. She picks a dandelion and hands it to me.
“What a pretty flower.” I lower myself beside her and begin weaving dandelions together to make her a crown of the yellow flowers.
She watches me intently, her hands resting on my leg as she leans in close. After I’m finished, I place it on her head. This isthe one time I wished I carried a phone so I could show her what she looks like.
I stand up and walk with her to the edge of the water. “Can you see yourself? Look how pretty you are.”
She holds my hand tightly as she leans over. The way she looks up in awe after seeing her reflection doesn’t help this stupid thing in my chest from falling for her a little more.
We continue to explore the area, and then we find a quiet spot in the grass to have our snack. I cut up an apple for us, handing her slices. It breaks my heart when she acts like she’s never had one before. She probably hasn’t, though. Fresh fruit, or fresh anything for that matter, isn’t something you find in a place like the one I found her in.
Everyone goes on about their days while children like Mila are forgotten. Many are living in horrible conditions, and the crappy part about it is that these kids don’t even know what life could be like. All they know is the circumstances they are in. It’s all they’ve ever known. My heart aches just thinking about her trapped in that dark room. Not even knowing the sun was shining just beyond those walls.
Rage didn’t forget her. He was trying to do things the right way, and the system still didn’t save his sister … I did. For how long will she be safe? I really don’t know. They could take her away from him and place her in foster care. I know there are some very good homes out there, but what if she ends up in one that isn’t?
I spin the ring on my finger, not sure I want to be bound to his storm. The man is a walking, talking red flag. He’s a one percenter. He smuggles guns. He’s a grumpy asshole, and last but not least, he’s bossy.
My gaze goes back to the house. He’s been watching us from the deck since we came outside.
I lie back in the grass, folding my arms behind my head. Mila copies me.
“The clouds look like marshmallows today.”
She giggles.
I roll to my side, running my fingers through her soft hair as she stares at the sky.
For a long time I allowed my mom’s problems, and then my brother’s, to become mine. It felt like we were in a sinking ship, and I was the only one with a bucket bailing out the water. Then one day I just set the bucket down and walked away. I chose me.
For the last ten years I’ve managed to ignore them. I managed to stay in a little bubble of my own making. Work, coffee, and home. It was quiet and peaceful, but it wasn’t always that way. It took almost two years before I finally let my guard down and allowed myself to breathe. Two years of letting go of the things and people who hurt me. I learned to forgive the same system that failed Mila, because it failed me too. I had to accept it and move on.
My thoughts are running wild. I don’t know how I even got here. I don’t know what to do …
Mila sits up and scoots close to me. Her lips pull down at the corners when she sees I’m getting emotional. I wipe my eyes and sit up with her, giving her a smile to let her know I’m okay.
“What should we do now?” I ask, desperately trying to shove my feelings down for her sake.
She pushes to her feet and wraps her arms around my neck, hugging me tight.
Instantly the thoughts evaporate, and I hug her back. I guess we’re both in an unfamiliar place right now. We continue to hold each other, and I’m not sure which one of us is holding the other up.
I read a book once that talked about how our souls are ageless. It’s only our bodies that have an expiration date. Right now, Ibelieve that. Mila’s soul and mine have somehow found comfort in each other despite our age difference and the fact that we’re strangers.
Does anything beyond that really matter?
Eventually, she lets go and positions herself on my lap. She takes my hand and places it on her head. She wants me to play with her hair. I’m not sure if it’s to bring her comfort or me, but I begin to run my fingers through it mindlessly.
We watch as a duck steps out of a tall patch of grass and heads down to the lake. Mila squeals when suddenly a baby appears, and then another and another. Five in total waddle behind their mother down to the water’s edge for a swim.
“Duckies!” she says clapping.
“Do you like duckies?” I ask.