Or had she been imagining it?
She’d have to ask Pam.
Chapter 17
Boston, 1974
Pam hurriedly locked the bathroom cubicle and whirled to hang over the toilet.She had to throw up.She felt it coming.She wanted to, if that would settle her stomach.She had a class in thirty minutes, and she’d absolutely die if she made a fool of herself there.
But nothing happened.
Nothing had happened in ten days, which was how long she’d been waking up nauseated.Morning sickness.She guessed it was as emotional as physical.Being pregnant was both a miraculously wonderful and a positively terrifying prospect.
Suddenly giddy, she leaned against the cubicle door and grinned at the ceiling.In the next breath, her eyes filled with tears.Lowering her head, she buried her face in her hands.
It had happened in Cutter’s truck on that cold night in December.Neither of them had been prepared.Neither had expected to make love, much less there.It had been spontaneous, uncontrollable, and more than a little desperate.
She hadn’t seen him since.
Hit by the ache of that hollowness, she leaned over the toilet again.Her arms shook as they propped her up.Her skin felt clammy.Closing her eyes, she took an unsteady breath.She knew she had to get control of herself.She would forget the class in twenty minutes; she had the rest of her life to manage.
Straightening, she brushed the tears from her eyes, left the cubicle, and went to the sink.The cold water felt good on her skin.Time and again she splashed her face, and would have gone on for a while had another student not come in.She mumbled a wet hello, buried her face in a towel, then, when it was marginally dry, left.
Mercifully, she had a single room, so she was spared having to make explanations when she took a cracker, propped herself up in bed, and began to munch on it.She’d feel better once she ate, she knew.
She didn’t feel better when she thought of Cutter, though.She ached.Being without him for the last two months had been as bad as losing her parents.Neither loss made sense.In Cutter’s case, the loss was even harder because he was out there, somewhere, and she didn’t know where.
Unfortunately, it had taken her a while to realize that.She had assumed, back in December when the days went by without a call, that he was very wary.After all, shewas the one who had pushed for caution.She was the one who’d been terrified that John might find them out.After a week, her frustration mounted.She thought for sure that Cutter would call her from a pay phone, where nothing could be traced.Several days later, she used one herself, but he didn’t answer his phone.She kept trying.After three weeks, she began to feel frightened.
Marcy, who was in constant touch with her family, told her that Cutter had vanished.
“Vanished?He can’t just have vanished,” she argued.
But Marcy held firm.“He’s off the payroll, out of the bank, gone.”
“Butwhy!”
Marcy looked helplessly blank.
“Someone has to know where he went.All the men he stood up for—”
“I had Lizzie ask.They don’t know.”
“Aren’t they worried?”Pam certainly was, and angry.“Aren’t they wondering whether maybe he’s in some kind of trouble and needs their help for a change?Aren’t they asking questions?”
Marcy was slower, more reluctant in answering.“That’s not how they are.They don’t ask.They accept.They adjust.Cutter left.Life goes on.”
Pam wasn’t so sure of that in the weeks that followed.She was miserable.One minute, she was sure that Cutter had abandoned her, that he had decided that loving her was too hard, that he’d given up the fight.The next minute, she was sure that John was involved in his disappearance.She couldn’t ask him; it would be revealing and dangerous.She couldn’t talk with Simon Blaise or VerneWalker, or even the FBI, for the same reason.So she was as helpless as the miners.Only she felt ten times worse.
The first time she missed her period, she attributed it to worry.The second time, she knew the truth.She didn’t have to go to a doctor for confirmation.The sun was rising inside her, a little bit of Cutter growing there, making her feel full, worthwhile, and redeemed.
And scared.
She was going to have the baby.There was no question about that.It didn’t matter that the Supreme Court had made abortion legal and easily obtainable.She wanted the baby.She figured that it would come in September, which meant that she could graduate with her class in June without many people even knowing of the pregnancy.
But John would know.His eagle eyes would see it.He would be furious, particularly if he knew the baby was Cutter’s.Maybe she wouldn’t have to tell him.Maybe she could run off, take her own apartment, and have the baby alone.She would be eighteen, an adult.College could wait.
Then she realized that John would be furious regardless of what she did.Her stomach churned at the thought.But she was going to have the baby, and if it looked like Cutter, she’d be thrilled.John could threaten all he wanted.He could resort to blackmail.He could try to manipulate her as he had in the past, only this time it wouldn’t work.There was a life growing inside her and it was as precious to her as her own.