I’d worked through it, hardened my shell, learned to tell people to fuck off if needed.Sometimes Justin would visit his grandmother.Short visits.I never saw him, but the gossip would start up again.When I married Erik that mostly stopped.
But now Justin was here, for weeks, and I was divorced.Arne might hear something.
I lifted my head and drew in a long breath.My time for indulging in feelings was over.So Justin was here.Didn’t mean I had to run into him or talk to him again.My life was full and I didn’t understand the concept of free time these days.Between work, Arne, Mom and the house, I was always busy.As long as Arne didn’t get questioned about it at school or at soccer, this would be fine.
I let out my breath slowly.I couldn’t sit around the corner from where Justin was staying, in case someone did notice.If I was able to manage any sleep, I needed to.And for those brief hours of unconsciousness, all of my problems would disappear.I put the car in gear.
No one was around, and I got to our room without anyone’s notice.I showered and changed into comfortable sleep shorts and climbed into the twin-sized bed that matched Arne’s.It took a while but I did finally doze off, and woke up in that groggy, middle of the sleep cycle way that meant I needed coffee badly.I turned off the alarm and headed for the bathroom.My hair was a disaster, but I didn’t have the energy to care.There was no one I needed to impress.
My stepfather was in the kitchen when I got downstairs, and my muscles tightened.He was sprawled in a chair at the head of the table, reading something on his phone.
When Mom and Bruce married, just a few weeks after they started dating, he was a good-looking, friendly and outgoing person.Tall, with dirty blond hair and blue eyes, a long-distance trucker who enjoyed his job.He got drunk once in a while, but never while he was working.Mom’s rheumatism hadn’t been bothering her much, and he’d been willing to take on an eight-year-old girl.I did my best to help wherever I could, so he didn’t make Mom choose between us.That had been my biggest fear.
Two years later Cora was born, Dorian two years after that.I was an inconvenience in Bruce’s life, a reminder of Mom’s past.My dad had died, so perhaps Bruce worried Mom still was in love with him or something.It wasn’t a totally comfortable way to go through my teens, but Bruce was gone for long periods working, and things were okay while he was driving.I’d met Justin and everything changed.I had dreams, hopes.
Then Justin’s parents lost their money, and those were gone.
“You just going to stand there all day?”Bruce grunted.
I blinked, back in the present, and crossed to the coffeemaker.
“I hear you were running after that hockey player again.”
White-hot anger shot through my veins.I could have married Justin if I’d been willing to abandon my family.I was certainly not running after him now.
Hands gripping the counter while the coffeemaker burbled, I asked, “Where did you hear that?”
“Your mother.”
Disappointment made it difficult to maintain my unbothered expression.Mom was sweet and caring, but she had no spine.Of course she told Bruce.Had she or Cora told anyone else?“I just went to talk to him.I’m not planning to meet him again.”
“Should have got him when you had the chance.”
My knuckles showed white.I’d told my mother why I’d broken up with Justin, and she’d held me while I cried.But she hadn’t said I was wrong.She needed me, and I wouldn’t abandon her.I didn’t know what she’d told Bruce.I’d thrown myself into school and work to keep from breaking down.Cora and Dorian were too young then to understand.
“It’s too late now.He’d have his pick of women.”
Forget the coffee.I didn’t need this.I turned and pounded up the stairs to my room to get dressed and grab my purse.Arne and I were grabbing a burger somewhere instead of eating at home.We deserved a treat.
I sent my mother a message.
Bruce was insulting.Arne and I are spending the evening out.
She didn’t answer.
I waited for Arne’s bus at the end of the driveway, calming myself down before he noticed and had questions.
Bruce’s resentment of me had gotten worse after Justin and I split, and he didn’t see me leaving the house anytime soon.Whether it was more about me being gone, or the attention and money being with Justin would’ve brought me, I had no clue.What he thought would happen to his family if I wasn’t there to help with laundry and groceries and most of the meal making that Mom couldn’t do any longer was a mystery.I think she hid from him just how disabled she’d become.
After he got the DUI, everything depended on me.I wasn’t just the person who made sure the house ran, I was the main earner.He hated that he’d lost his job.It was embarrassing to depend on his wife and stepdaughter.He couldn’t leave, and I wouldn’t abandon my family, so we were stuck with each other.
I switched to a nursing degree so I could get work sooner.Then I met Erik.Mom still needed my help at home, so when we got married, we moved in.Till we broke up.
And here we were now.I’d imagined I’d be free to leave and start a new life with my son.Now I couldn’t see an end to it.Mom was getting worse.So was Bruce.He drank and had put on a huge belly.He got his revenge for being dependent on me by finding my sore spots and twisting the knife.
I saw Arne’s bus coming down the street and pushed those depressing thoughts away.Everything else aside, my family provided a safe place for my son.Bruce didn’t take his resentment out on my kid.And even if my schedule was erratic, there was always someone around to take care of him.When I saw him grinning through the window at me, I had to smile.Arne made it worth it.
I found a lot of things intolerable about what I was doing right now, but Arne was happy.He had a great relationship with my mom, and even Bruce thought he was an okay kid.He adored Cora and Dorian.He had friends at school and in the neighborhood.I could survive this.