How many times was I going to let him do this? How many times would I fall for half-measures and quiet looks, for words that said one thing and actions that screamed another?
I blinked against the sting in my eyes, swallowing hard, willing the heat rising in my throat to settle.
Soon, the group started gathering to leave. Eli wandered off to find Bernard. Gisella clung to Finn as they rejoined the others. And I slipped away before anyone could notice the battle raging inside me.
I climbed into the back of the first cab that pulled up, pressing myself into the far corner. Cameron and Leah took the front, still giggling and kissing, and Gisella clambered in after them, tugging Finn along with her. He paused at the door, eyes flicking to me, but I turned my face to the window before he could latch that gaze on too tightly.
My heart was an open wound, and every glance in his direction poured salt in it.
I didn’t want his fucking loaded looks.
I didn’t want his confusing words.
I didn’t wantanythingfrom him.
I curled in on myself, arms around my middle, eyes locked on the passing lights outside. I could see our reflections faintly in the glass — the others bathed in shadow and streetlight, the space between Finn and me feeling like a canyon, even though we were barely a few feet apart.
My thoughts raced, each one louder than the last.
What are we fucking doing?
This wasn’t some harmless flirtation. This wasn’t a few lingering stares or accidental touches. This was full-onsubmission of our self-control — a reckless, spiraling mess that neither of us had the guts to stop.
That neither of uswantedto stop.
But why did he let it start in the first place?
I thought about all of it — the way he looked at me when no one else was watching, the way he talked to me in quiet moments like our past still haunted him, too, the damn tattoo inked into his skin, the press of his hand on my neck earlier as he asked about mine, the way he gave into sin on the beach tonight like we were the only ones in the world, like there were no consequences to face.
For a short, stupid moment, I thought that was him claiming me again. I thought it was him saying Gisella didn’t matter, that what they had wasn’t anything compared to what we did…
That it was still us for him, just like it was for me.
But he’d snuffed out that hope with a press of his lips against Gisella’s.
My chest cracked wide open as the world blurred past, confusion bleeding into shame. I closed my eyes against the pang of it, how it made me want to pack my bag and leave in the dead of night without facing anyone. How could I room with Gisella and pretend like nothing had happened?
What kind of monster was I becoming?
Yes, she had kissed Cameron, but she’d immediately told Finn about it. And though I was fairly certain he was far from okay with what happened, he’d clearly forgiven her and moved on.
So… maybe they were finding themselves in some kind of open relationship.
I scoffed internally at myself even as I thought it because I knew for a fact Finn didn’t have the okay from Gisella to do what he did tonight.
And I hadn’t even thought of her — not for a single second.
I really was a monster.
It was tempting, to give into that track of thinking, but before it could sink its claws into me and pull me under, fury slid in and took the wheel.
This wasn’t all on me.
Finn was the one who’d touched me tonight. It washimwho was crossing the line and tempting me to test it with him. Was it because he missed me? Did he have regrets?
Oh, God… was he using me to get back at Gisella for what she’d done to him?
My gut soured at the thought, and that’s when resolve sank in deep.