“What?” It comes out hoarse, and I hate that.
He chuckles a little. “I’ve been thinking maybe we should try again. What do you think?”
Fuck, even his laugh makes that old tightness return to my chest. It’s a well-worn feeling of being too much and not enoughat the same time. There was a time when I didn’t realize what that laugh was doing to me, and even now that I know, it’s like I’m still conditioned to respond to it.
I take a deep breath and make myself think past that. “No,” I say sharply. “I’m not interested in trying again. I’ve moved on, and I’m happy now. I have a new life now.”
Julius laughs again, and I have to grit my teeth. There’s mockery in it because of course there is. Like he doesn’t believe me and thinks I’m lying to myself.
Before he can say anything else, I hang up, dropping my hand down to my side. For a long moment, I just stand there in the alley, one hand holding my phone, the other holding a full bag of trash. My heart is pounding, and my breathing feels shallow until I make an effort to take deep breaths and try to calm down.
I hate that all it takes is a phone call from him to make me feel like this, and it’s harder than it should be to shake the feeling of him off my skin.
Julius was one of the Alphas in my old pack. The one who told me I was too needy, too emotional, too hard to deal with. He made me feel like love was conditional and could be taken away the second I stopped being convenient. He used that against me a lot. If I asked for too much, or did things he didn’t approve of, he would turn cold and distant, waiting for me to grovel and adjust my behavior before he would let me back in.
I’d been doing so well at unlearning all the shit he and the others taught me, but hearing from Julius again now makes me feel like I’ve slipped back into that old version of myself. I know I’m not that girl anymore, but it feels like she’s still there, under my skin.
I can’t stand here all night, trying to get my head back on straight, so I go back inside, where Cash is waiting for me.
“All done?” he asks with his trademark grin.
“Yeah,” I reply. “Let’s head out.”
He doesn’t ask if I’m okay, so either I’m doing an okay job of pretending, or it’s not obvious how rattled I am. I don’t tell him about the call either. I don’t even know how I would bring it up or what I’d want to hear in response.
We lock up and get into his truck, and he rests his hand on my thigh as he starts the drive home. I let him leave it there, but not even the now familiar warmth of his hand on me can shake me out of my thoughts. It’s a good thing the drive home is silent because I don’t think I could carry on a conversation if I wanted to right now. Not with my mind a million miles away.
When we get home, Lincoln and Everett are still up, and they greet us with tired smiles.
“Cora’s in bed,” Lincoln tells me. “Lainey dropped her off, and she was already half asleep, so I just put her to bed.”
I nod, trying to summon some gratitude or some trace of the warmth that I felt earlier today. “Thanks,” I say. Like everything’s normal. I try to return their smiles, to not let them know anything’s going on, but it’s hard when unease lingers like a bad omen in my chest.
Chapter 33
Harper
I guess it’s not really a surprise that I don’t sleep well that night. I have strange dreams that leave me coiled with tension, waking up every few hours just to try to calm down enough to go back to sleep. I end up sleeping later than usual, and by the time I get up, Everett is already gone for work. I have a vague memory of him kissing my forehead before he left, and Cash and Lincoln are already downstairs.
I throw on some clothes and head down to find them in the kitchen with Cora.
Cash is making pancakes while Cora sits on the counter, carefully pressing blueberries into each one under Lincoln’s watchful eye. He flips them at the stove, giving her the little crispy bits to munch on before he turns the finished ones out onto a plate.
It’s a domestic scene that is becoming more and more common the longer we stay here, and I lean in the doorway for a while, watching with a small smile before I walk in properly.
“Morning,” Cash says, grinning at me. “I hope you’re hungry.”
“I am,” I admit. “What can I do to help?”
A little while later, Lainey stops by with a burst of energy. She’s all smiles as she breezes into the house and declares that it’s too nice outside to sit indoors all day.
“We should all blow off work and have a picnic,” she says.
Cora is immediately on board, nodding enthusiastically and jumping around.
“Sure,” I agree, not wanting to burst her bubble. “If that’s okay with my bosses, anyway.”
Lincoln snorts and looks at Cash, who shrugs. “I can call and see if someone can cover for me at the station,” Lincoln says. “Matt owes me a favor anyway.”