“Partners in sin. It has a nice ring to it,” I admitted, and earned myself a small smirk.
I couldn’t seem to stop gazing at his face. This man should be everything I was afraid of. A killer, a devil in a human suit. Lawless, remorseless, and comfortable with the idea of going to hell, he should be terrifying, and yet... his face drew me in like a magnet.
We reached the door to my room. The thought of going in after I’d just gotten out of solitary felt like a killing blow. So I hesitated at the door. I couldn’t exactly ask him in for a coffee.
Hey, you want to hang out in my room and see my crazy drawings on the wall?
Yeah, no.
“Vargas’s death has officially been ruled a suicide. So things should be back to normal tomorrow, therapy and group session.”
My face immediately heated at the thought of my last session with Massimo, when he’d pretended to put my medication into my mouth. My fingers shook when I pushed them through my hair. Ugh. I needed a shower. I felt disgusting, and yet the memory of Benedict’s office, of Massimo fingering my mouth, was making my blood simmer.
He stepped closer. Was he remembering it, too? Or had he really just pretended to put my pills in my mouth, and I’d imagined the way his fingers had caressed my tongue? God, I was really going crazy in here.
“I suppose I’ll see you there?” I was aiming for a casual tone but instead made it sound like a question.
“Yes, you will.” His deep voice was doing something to me.
“Oh! Here.” I suddenly remembered the contents of my pocket. I pulled the battered flowers out and held them to him. Sure, they’d seen better days, but they were still so beautiful.
“Keep them,” he said.
“You said you would have put snowdrops in your mother’s hair before she was laid to rest?” I ventured. It had felt like such a personal admission, but also one that had helped me feel less scared of him. He’d had a mother whom he’d loved and had mourned. He had a heart that beat... once, anyway.
He nodded.
“I can see why she loved them. They are so beautiful... so symbolic of spring, the world waking from winter, starting to live again. I think my mother would like them a lot, too. I’m going to take them to her when I get out of here.”
He stared at me, those dark eyes seeming to see right inside me, to my damaged soul.
I curled my fingers around the stems of the flowers and pressed them against my chest. “Anyway, thank you for that. You don’t know how much you just saved me in there.” Words couldn’t convey how much the flowers had meant to me in solitary. His simple action of slipping them to me before I’d gone inside had fundamentally changed my view of him, I realized.
“Don’t thank me. I don’t do anything that doesn’t benefit me.” Massimo’s voice was guarded. He seemed as uncomfortable with gratitude as I was with admitting when I needed someone.
His words were so resigned and knowing. He was so certain of his own badness, he automatically rejected any idea that he might not be as terrible as he’d decided he was.
I shook my head at him with a sigh and said as much. “I don’t think you’re as bad as you believe you are, deep down inside.”
“You’re wrong. I’m worse.”
His answer sounded absolute. It made me sad somehow. My heart was feeling all kinds of confusing things. There was no doubt an unhealthy attachment forming to the only person who’d treated me like a real human being in years. The only person who seemed to be on my side... even if he was only here on business. I had been so lonely for so long. So weak. And now, there was someone strong, someone powerful, someone helping me. No wonder my heart didn’t know what the fuck to do.
“Maybe, but I don’t think so,” I murmured, and then, following an impulse I couldn’t quite stop, I stepped toward him, stretched up on my tiptoes, and pressed my lips on his cheek.
It was chaste. Innocent. A nothing gesture, and yet, he jerked under my lips like I’d tasered him.
I’d taken him by surprise, clearly. Even though only a few days ago, he’d kissed me like he was going to eat me alive, for some reason that quick cheek kiss felt more intimate.
It shocked us both.
I stepped back, suddenly embarrassed and terrified of his rejection.
I wouldn’t survive it.
“So, thanks,” I said. I stumbled out and fled into my room, shutting the heavy door behind me before laying my cold hands on my burning cheeks.
17