“You don’t like it? We can go back and get the glitter cat.”
“No, I really like it.” I’m just wishing I’d never said that friend thing. I wish I was brave enough to shoot my shot with Heaven. I turn and smile at her. “I love it. Thank you. And look, it’s already kind of tie-dyed.”
“You can make a matching shirt,” Heaven replies, and it feels a little unfair that I can’t kiss her right now, but I’ll just have to deal. We start heading back to her house, and she puts on a K-pop song I haven’t heard before, but it’s good. I brave a look at my phone and see my mom is on LIVE. I immediately switch over to Heaven’s new account. She has thirty followers now. It’s not a lot, but I know it’s enough to freak her out.
I’m about to ask her what else I can do to help when she glances over at me.
“Hey, can I ask you a weird question? As a friend,” she says.
“Sure.”
“How did Rhys tell you he liked you?” I kind of jerk back in shock because that was the last thing I was expecting her to say. From the look on her face, I’m not sure she really thought that question through before she asked it, but it’s too late now. “I mean—”
“I’m not sure he ever said it like that. He asked me to homecoming and then we just kinda decided to be together. But I didn’t feel—” I almost say I didn’t like him the way I like her. “I didn’t fully know I was gay then.”
“Ah, okay.”
“Why’d you ask?” I say, trying to keep my tone nice and light. I really want to know what she’s thinking.
“Oh. I don’t—I was just thinking about us being friends. I think you were right about Jake and Axel, being boys, I mean. I—they are obviously boys. I just don’t have many girlfriends, so I haven’t talked about that kind of stuff. They talk about Bethany and Valentina, but they don’t, like, talk about their feelings. I’ve never dated anyone, and you have, so I was just wondering. But I guess, you’re right, it is different ’cause you weren’t sure you were gay at the time. I guess that matters.” Heaven’s rambling.
I want to save her, but for once in my life I don’t know what to say. I want to tell her how I feel. I want to tell her I didn’t mean the whole friend zone thing. I want to tell her I likeher, that it’s getting harder to breathe when I’m around her, in the best possible way, but I can’t see how it doesn’t go horribly wrong.
“Are you going to let anyone sign your cast?” she says, changing the subject, saving us both.
“I haven’t thought about it. Do you want to sign it?”
“I’ll writeHeavenall huge right down the middle.”
“I’d love that.”
She glances at my arm again. “That would be almost as bad as getting my name tattooed on your arm. I can decorate it, though.”
“Do you want to know about my favorite couples from previous seasons ofLove Island?” I ask, another subject change just to be safe. If I’m talking about randoms from TV, I won’t blurt out the true depth of my crush and the ways it’s multiplied in the last few hours. And she doesn’t have to come up with more awkward ways to talk about herself and the general complexities around gay feelings.
“Sure.” Heaven laughs. I smile, letting out a deep breath, and then it’s my turn to ramble. I don’t shut up the whole way to Taco Bell.
21
Heaven
Usually, a Baja Blast and a couple Crunch Wrap Supremes fix all of my problems. Halfway through an episode ofLove Island Australia—the girls are hot, but the boys are all jerks—I take my last sip and still feel like crap.
I can’t believe I asked her about Rhys. I guess I was trying to see what’s different for her when it comes to someone she considers more than a friend. But like she said, it wasn’t that way with Rhys. Getting that answer didn’t help anything. I just realized I need to never talk again and now we’re watching a dating show where everyone is wearing bathing suits, my own personal nightmare.
The episode ends and I start picking up our trash. “I’m gonna go grab my Sharpies and then I’ll make a masterpiece out of your cast.”
“Oh! Can you do one of your flash pieces? It’ll be good practice.”
“Sure. I’ll grab my tablet and you can pick one.”
She gives me a nod of approval. When I get up to my room it’s like my heart deflates a little. And finally, I know why I feel so weird. I’m embarrassed. Saylor is so—she’s so sure of herself. She doesn’t care what people think. She goes afterwhat she wants. She can talk to adults she doesn’t know without mumbling or stuttering. And here I am, freaking out so bad over a hug.
So maybe what I was thinking the other day is a little true—I want to be like herandI like her.
I grab everything I need and head back downstairs. I can’t help but smile when I see Saylor’s moved to the floor and Di’s head is in her lap.
“You just missed Jessica cussing out Martin,” she says.