“Yep.”
“I forgot ’cause—”
“All the makeup.”
“Wow. Your family. Anyway. My dad and I used to watchPrimal Zeroall the time and I used to write pages and pages of fanfiction. I finally told my dad about it and he bought me my first computer so I could write and be more organized. He encouraged me to move out here to become a screenwriter.”
“And now you’re writing on a show. The man knew he was making a wise investment.”
Amanda just nodded and let out a sad sigh, as she started picking at the label on her beer.
Sam reached across the table and stoked her hand. She let him, turning her fingers so he could trace the inside of her palm. Her hands were so soft. “If it’s not working for you, Cha-Cha, why don’t you move on to something else?”
“Because thereisnothing else at the moment. It was hard enough to get this job. And not all of us have a backup ranch,” she said with a wink.
“Fair. That is fair. I’ll take that.”
“Oh, I know you will. I’m just messin’ with you. Look, I know this is part of the game. None of this is actually glamorous. At the end of the day it’s a job. Sometimes it’s fun and there are cool perks and if you’re lucky you get to be a part of something you love and are really proud of, but you know. You can think you’re onto something good and still feel unfulfilled.”
“If you could do anything, anything. What would it be?”
“Oh man. That’s tough. I don’t know. I just want to be happy.”
“And you’re not? Like, with yourlife.”
“No. No, I am. I think I just—I can’t really wrap my mind around what I really want. I try to picture it and it doesn’t seem possible. So all of those dreams and wishes get boiled down to a feeling. Whatever my actual meaning of life turns out to be, I just want to be happy.”
“I’m not sure I buy that,” Sam said.
“Oh is that right?”
“I don’t know. It seems like you know and you’re afraid to say it. What did you say earlier? Going after what you want can be scary? What is it you really want?”
“Okay I’ll be—I’ll keep it one hundred.”
“Please,” Sam laughed.
“I’m kinda lonely.” That confession turned the warmth Sam had been feeling in his chest sour. He curled his fingers gently around hers, like he could will the feeling away. “I knew what I was getting into when I moved out here, but it’s been a while and I’m still so homesick.”
“Do you think about moving back?”
“No. There’s nothing for me back in Rhode Island. I’m homesick for my parents though. I have friends here and you know, Helene. She’s an amazing friend. I just didn’t think LA would be so lonely. I need a pet skunk.”
“If they aren’t illegal I’m sure we can find you one.”
“I think that’s why I’ve enjoyed this weekend so much. Your family is great and they made me feel so included.” She rolled her fingers in his and pulled his hand a little closer. “I know you’re not supposed to say stuff like this on a first date, but you should know. I’m crippled with loneliness.”
“I know you’re joking a little bit, but I think you may be onto something.”
“Oh yeah?”
“About LA and the loneliness. Or maybe it’s just a millennial midlife crisis, but I think I’m there too. With loneliness. I have a place in Silver Lake, but when I’m not working I’m always here. I miss my family. I really miss my horse.”
“It’s like you turn a certain age and you think you’re supposed to magically become independent in this weird way, but that’s not how it works. Anyway, I don’t want to feel that loneliness anymore.”
Sam raised his beer. “Here’s to being a little less lonely.” Amanda clinked her beer against his and just as she took down another deep swig, her eyes widened. She slammed her beer down on the table.
“You are more than free to join me, but this song is my freaking jam and I am headed to the dance floor.” Sam cocked his head to the side and actually focused on the music coming through the sound system. As soon as he recognized the opening notes to Evelyn “Champagne” King’s “Love Come Down,” he grabbed Amanda’s hand and pulled her to the dance floor.