“Thank you,” I say, even though it sounds like a question and I know I’m making a face. I hate this shit so much. Already feels like we’re getting nowhere. “Listen. There’s something I need tosay.”
“Please go ahead.” She sits back abit.
“I spoke to the detective last night and he seemed to have a hard time comprehending parts of what I wassaying.”
She scowls and almost glances down at her files, but she keeps her eyes on me. “Okay. Goahead.”
“The man who assaulted me last night explicitly said that David Dorrit Jr. sent him, which I took to mean hired him to come killme.”
“Yes, Detective Cohill did mention that. We are still collecting evidence. It appears our suspect, the deceased, had quite the record. Armed robbery, breaking and entering. They found a lock pick set on his person. You told detectives you didn’t know how he got into yourapartment.”
“No. My door was locked when I got home and he was already inside. And I do want to talk about that, but I really want to address this Dorrit situation,” I say, keeping my voice measured and calm. “I know how this all sounds, but I did lose a case for him. He was upset. He was ordered to pay damages. This is not a reasonable reaction, but that is what happened. He said the exact words ‘he told me to put you tosleep.’”
She looks at me for a second too long. I know exactly what that second means. I try not to roll my eyes. I remember women like me can’t scream at women like her. I can’t grab her by the shoulders and shake her until she listens. I need to cooperate. I need her on my side. I’m already in the negative with her. My build, my skin—shit, even my voice. Brooklyn and I both, since we hit puberty, have deep and raspy voices that can carry across a few rooms. Those Lewis girls sure pack a presence. To the detective, I’ve already been hysterical. To D.A. Flora Rivers, the next step paints me as someone who overreacts, the step beyond that means I’m unreasonable, then hostile and then I’m the one gettingarrested.
“Do you mind if we record this?” she says, her voice overly light. She’s trying to pacify me. “I’m just gonna have them bring in a camera so we get your full accurate statement.Okay?”
“Sure,” Isay.
She leaves the room for a moment and when she comes back, a young clerk is following her with a digital camera and a little tripod. And Detective Cohill. I take a deep breath and push everything down so I can answer all her questions. Their questions. I show her my bandaged wrist as he takes more notes. I show her my jacked up toe. I point to every inch thataches.
D.A. Rivers takes my phone to verify if I was where I say I was last night. Just to make sure I wasn’t busy trying to lure a strange man to my apartment so I could drive my high heel into his throat. They are gonna finish processing my apartment. It shouldn’t be too much longer, she says. I have no idea what the fuck that even means. By the time she tells me she’s finished, that she’ll be in touch, I don’t feel any better. I feel worse. D.A. Rivers believes I went through something. She might even think David Dorrit Jr. has something to do with it, but I know how these things go, especially for women like me. D.A. Rivers isn’t going to do shit aboutit.
“We’ll be in touch,” she says as she politely ushers me to the door. I know I should just chill and let her at least try to do her job, but…I grab the door and turn to her, ignoring the fact the Detective Cohill just tensed like I was gonna put Flora Rivers in aheadlock.
“What am I supposed to do?” My throat clenches and I swallow again. Push it down. “I don’t feel safe. Is there any way you can help me with that?” I know it’s a huge ask. I’m a good lawyer, but I’m not themayor.
“Unfortunately we just don’t have the resources for a protectivedetail.”
I nod slowly. I run my teeth over the side of my tongue and ignore the pain there. I push itdown.
“Listen. I know this feels very overwhelming right now. But take a few days. Let us handle our end of the process,” shesays.
And how exactly am I going to hear from you?I almost say.You took my fucking phone intoevidence.
Instead my home training forces me to thank her and then I head to the nearest public exit. I don’t stop walking until I get to the train. I’m pretty sure there’s a cell phone store near theoffice.
Three
As soon asI get my new phone, I call Brooklyn. She doesn’t answer, and I leave her a message and tell her to call me. I can keep her safe. Keep her away from me, but I can’t keepthisfrom her. I know when I’m sitting at my desk ignoring the sounds of my office around me as my new phone resets that eventually I have to talk to my sister about this. So when the cloud brings all of my contacts back, I make thecall.
After I leave that voicemail, I open a new group chat with just Noa, Claudia and Rayna. I think for a moment before I type out the words. I think about exactly what I need to tell them and what will just make them more upset. Like how I have no idea if Kelsey got caught up in this, if she’s lying dead on her own kitchen floor somewhere. Or if the cops are gonna tell me they think I’m crazy and I need to take my life as a blessing and let this whole Dorrit thinggo.
I start typing. I explain the bare details of what happened. There was a man. I defended myself. I’m okay. That’s what matters. I don’t tell them about Dorrit. I don’t tell them how scared I am because there’s nothing they can do except get themselves wrapped up in some shit I’m pretty sure they want no part of. I tell them I want to have a personal conversation with Brooklyn when she gets out of court so if they could not mention this to her that would be good. I tell Noa not to come running to me now or after she finishes for the day. I have too much to do anyway. My caseload is not little. I’ll be at the officelate.
I tell Claudia to stay right where she is in Northern California so she can enjoy this time with her man. I know they are all busy, but each of them start messaging me back right away. I do my best to convince them that I’m alright, shaken up, but alright. They believe me. They know me. If anyone was going to fight for her life the way I did, it’s me. They’ll check in with me, they offer. I can come to them. They are here for me. I know, I tell them and then I say I have to get back towork.
Not five minutes later, Claudia calls. I know to pick up. She’s been through enough for five lifetimes and it would do nothing to stress her out more by not answering thephone.
I hit accept, then I get up and close my officedoor.
“Hey, bitch,” Isay.
“Hey, bitch. Talk to me. Are you really okay? You know you can tellme.”
I think for a second, take two long slow steps back to my desk. “No running? No hiding?” I say. Something Claudia’s therapist shared with her, and something Claudia shared with me. She laughs a little and I know I should have told her first. I don’t regret telling Rayna, but Claudia’s been here before. We’ve been here before together. Sheknows.
“Exactly no running, nohiding.”