“Find another job? Pray he’s done fucking with me and get on with my life. I’m on my way to my sister’s place right now. She’s at work, but I don’t want to be in my place alone,” I say. I sound so pathetic. I am not going to cry in the middle of the fucking street in the middle of themorning.
“Come back,” Silassays.
“Ican’t—”
“Why?”
“I just got laidoff—”
“So you can take a couple days. I’ve heard you can job hunt online now. Comeback.”
“I don’t drive. How am I supposed to getthere?”
“I’ll come getyou.”
“No,” I say a little too quickly. I say like I don’t want to see him. It’s not that at all. It’s just too far for him to drive in the middle of a Tuesday. Still, I know what Silas hears. He’s quiet for a long time, but I know he hasn’t hungup.
“I just need to figure out—” I start to say, but he cuts meoff.
“I want to say something, but I know it’s going to make youangry.”
My eyes close and I let out a deep breath. I brace myself. “Okay. I appreciate the warning. Sayit.”
“I really like you. I might love you. I can’t be yourfriend.”
“Silas—”
“No, Ebie—I mean Liz. Please let me finish,” he says. I can hear it through the phone. He is choosing his words carefully. I have tolisten.
“Sorry goon.”
“You said yourself. You tell me what you want. I tell you what I want. We negotiate. You don’t know what you want, but I do. I want to be with you. I want to see if we can make this work. I’m not saying move here and marry me. I’m saying just come back for a few days, but I know you think I’m trying to lock you down. I’m not. I know it might not be fair for me to make demands, but I already know I can’t handle you calling me every day or even once a week just to talk to me as your friend. I can’t handleit.”
“I hear you,” I say, swallowing the massive lump in my throat. I know from anyone else this would sound like an ultimatum, but this is Silas. If there’s one thing about Silas, it’s just how easy things with him can be if you can just meet him halfway—and in this very moment, I can’t. I’m not thinking about forever. I’m just thinking about today. The next few weeks until I get my shit together and find a new job. Even I know that’s an excuse. He’s only ninety minutes away. He’s not asking for everything, just something, but right now, I have nothing I can give him. I have barely enough to give myself to get through the rest of this awfulday.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he says. There’s five different kinds of defeat and resignation in his voice and I swear my chest cracks open. “If you change your mind, you know exactly where to findme.”
“I know,” I barely squeakout.
“I gottago.”
“Wait! Is Honeycrispokay?”
“Yeah, she’s fine. Nothing’s broken. She’s just a little bruised up. Gave her some treats and took her over to the barn. She’s visiting with herbuddies.”
“Good,” I saying, laughing a little at the thought of that red brown dog recounting her brave brush with danger. The tears start leaking out of myeyes.
“I gotta go. I have to run down intotown.”
“I know. I’m sorry. Bye,Silas.”
“Bye, Liz.” He ends the call. I want to call him back, I want to tell him that I have some level of compromise in me. I don’t. I can’t. I slip my phone into my purse bag and cover myface.
“Eh, girl! You alright?” I look up at an old man standing across the street. He sticks his hand high in the air to make sure he has my attention. Then he slips a cigarette in hismouth.
“Yeah, I’m okay.” I call back, wiping myface.
“Okay! You take care of yourself!” he says with a straight face and a firmnod.