“Sounds good tome.”
She sets down the remote and pulls one of the big pillows over beside the beanbag. It’s not exactly comfortable, but I don’t move when she puts her head in my lap. The delivery kid from Andeloni’s shows up a few minutes after the movie starts. Ebie manages to pause it while up, another feature I don’t tell her I was unaware of. We eat in silence. After we’re done, she tells me her ass is getting sore so we move to the couch. She pulls my arm over her shoulder and we’re cuddling on the couch. It’s not a first for me, but I don’t tell her how long it’s been since I’ve held anyone. She seems really into the movie so I don’t tell her how terrible I think it is. I fall asleep before it’sover.
* * *
Iwakeup and Ebie’s still in my arms. It’s her laughter that shakes me awake. I open my eyes and she’s watching that movieClueless. I stay quiet for awhile and just enjoy the fact that she seems to be atease.
She sits up suddenly and turns to look at me. “Hey,” I say. She doesn’t respond, but she licks her lips. “I want you again,” I tellher.
She swallows, then the tip of her tongue juts out again. I want to kiss those lips. “My rules stillapply.”
“That’sfine.”
She stands and I watch her as she steps out of her shorts and then her underwear. “Slide down the couch, lay back.” I do as she says. “Now, put your hands at your sides. Keep them there. I mean it. No touchingyet.”
“Why don’t you want me to touch you?” Iask.
“A decade of developing personalpreferences.”
“I want to touchyou.”
“And I want to feel like I’m in control of a man foronce.”
“You think you don’t have complete control over mealready?”
“Then show me. Keep your hands right where theyare.”
“Fine.”
I let out a deep breath, then wait for her next order. This is some weird shit she’s into. It all seems so pointless, but if it’s what she likes I’ll do it. She lifts up her loose t-shirt and exposes her pussy to me. Now she looks like a porno model in the best possible way. She kept that stupid dress on all night the night before. How could she not understand how badly I just wanted to see her body? And when I was knuckle deep inside of her she wouldn’t let me look. She held me close as she rode my hand. She let me suck on her tits. It still wasn’t enough, but this is going to be much better. It alreadyis.
She carefully climbs on the couch right over my head, her shins resting on my shoulders. I can’t see her face, but I can hear her voice just fine. I can smell her. She smells as good as she looks. Her pussy is amazing. Dark fat lips already slick with her wetness. I’m already hard, but my cock twitches in my jeans when I think about how her clit felt between my fingers. I almost reach up and wrap my hands around to spread her thighs a little more, but then I remember her rules. I leave my hands where theyare.
“Kiss it,” she says. I lift my head and start licking at her wet slit. She jerks away, then leans over a little so I can see her face. “No, I said kiss it. With your lips. Kiss my pussy the same way you’d kiss my mouth. You wouldn’t go in tonguefirst.”
I try again, lift my head up and just press my lips to the top of her slit. I do it twice more before I turn my head a little. This time, when I press my lips to her wet skin, I use my tongue to part her open. She starts to move alittle.
“Better,” she says and her voice sounds a little off. I must be doing something right. I try that again, pull my tongue back, use more of my lips and then my tongue again to find her clit. She seems to like that. She’s moaning. She tells me she wants more. So I give her more. I do what she tells me to do. I hold still when she starts to ride my face. I move my head when she tells me to fuck her hole with my tongue. I try not to come in my pants when she says my name and tells me how good itfeels.
“Gimme. Gimme your hand,” she says suddenly. She’s starting to lose her breath. She lifts her thigh so I can get my right arm out from under her and then she takes my hand and shoves it up her t-shirt. She holds my hand to her tits, makes me massage her like she did the night before. She doesn’t say anything about pinching her nipple, but I do as she keeps moving her hips back and forth. She doesn’t stop me. She slides her fingers higher over mine and we pinch her nipple together. She says my name again and then she comes in mymouth.
Eleven
Liz
Iam a fuckingmess.
I’m not processing. I know I needed to. Before I became a special resident of McInroy’s Farm, but it seems like ever since Silas walked into my life, the valve has been shut off and nothing about my life, my real life, matters, especially in moments like this. Why would it matter? I have a fake boyfriend with a great job and big house and five dogs who seem to adore both of us combined. He keeps me fed. Doesn’t bother me when I’m working. And even though it takes a few tries, he follows directions beautifully. I wake up Sunday morning and these are the things I’m thinkingabout.
It’s a problem. It’s definitely a problem because I’m lying here with Silas’s head on my stomach. He’s knocked out, snoring. There’s a dull ache in my ribs. His head is heavy and he’s inches away from my sore bones, but I’m soaking in the slight pain now. I’m concentrating on the subtle throb as I run my fingers through his hair. Honeycrisp has made her way on the bed and she’s pressed against my thigh. I have seriously never cared for dogs, but I can’t remember the last time I’ve been thishappy.
I definitely can’t remember the last time I told a guy I liked him. I’m not sure which part is worse, that I mean it or that I know just how badly this is going to end and I can’t bring myself to come up with reason enough to put a stop to it. I’ve somehow developed level one feelings for a guy, but in a completely normal way. That’s how this happens in the real world. You meet people unexpectedly, you spend time with them and then suddenly you like them. But this isn’t the real world. This is some sort of fucked hellscape that I’ve created to hide from myproblems.
I held Claudia’s hand through this type of shit for months. I know the breakdown is coming. I know I’m going to freak the fuck out. And I’m not talking about a good cry. I mean a full processing of trauma and circumstances and how, once again, a part of me is changed forever. I cracked immediately when my parents died and never recovered from it, but this feels different. I see it. I know what’s going to happen, but I cannot change the way Silas makes me feel and I can’t change that being with him makes me think I can put all this processingoff.
We spent the rest of the night fucking. First in the family room and then we moved things to the bedroom. We compromised. Silas let me tie him up again and after, he got what he wanted. He held me until we fell asleep. I had nightmares again. Nightmares about the piece of shit who attacked me. He’s in my apartment again. He’s not moving, he’s just standing in the kitchen staring at me. This time he has a hammer in his hand. He’s gonna kill me this time. My phone appears in my hand and I try to dial 9-1-1, but the buttons are all blurry and my fingers won’t connect with the screen. Scott appears in the corner. He’s yelling at me. He’s telling me to call the cops, call an ambulance, but I can’t get my phone to work. I panic. I wake myself up. I can’t breathe for a long time, but Silas is there next to me. He’s knocked out, and the second I touch him, he reaches for me. I have more weird dreams. My subconscious keeps them under control though. I’m willing to give Silas credit for helping me out withthat.
I wake up early. The rain’s stopped, but it’s still cloudy outside. I think about texting Claudia. After I’d checked my phone again at the cannery, I had to tell her I’ll get back to her about my epic mistake. I couldn’t explain in front of Maya or Ginny. I want to tell her everything about Silas. I want to tell her about all the crap that’s going on with me, but I can’t bring myself to get out of bed to look for myphone.