Her lips purse to one side. “More people than you’d think, but I understand why you’re upset. This is the kind of appointment it’s better to be prepared for, rather than surprised by. How long have you and Mr. LaSalle been together?”
I scratch my head but do my best to avoid messing up my hair. “A year and a half.”
“And this is the first time he’s suggested any kind of counseling?”
I straighten on the couch, grabbing a pillow from the corner to wrap my arms around. “He’s never suggested counseling. Ever. Not even Wednesday night when he handed me this card and told me I had to be here, despite the fact that Friday is my busiest day of the week. If he paid attention to a single bit of what I said, he’d know Fridays are no good for anything but work.”
Dr.Grand’s thumbs tap together, and I would bet money that she’s wishing she had her tablet in hand to write notes, but she abstains.
“How is your relationship in general?”
As soon as she asks the question, I cringe. “Clearly not good, if he thinks I need help in the bedroom.” I shake my head. “I can’t believe thatassholethinks thatthisis what’s wrong with our relationship. That we don’t have enoughsex?And instead of talking about it, he sends me walking in here blind?”
I launch myself off the couch and toss the pillow down so I can pace her office. “He is such anasshole!Who does this to someone? No, seriously. This is fucked up!”
I stop at the corner table and grab the disordered stack of magazines, straightening them into a neat pile before I turn to pace back toward Dr.Grand and her couch. When I finally meet her brown eyes again, there’s empathy and kindness in them.
“Do you always straighten things when you’re upset?” she asks with a grin.
“Yes. It’s my coping mechanism. It helps me calm my thoughts, and I find it useful on multiple levels. So, respectfully, I’m not looking to work on that either, Dr.Grand.”
“Fair enough. Is there anything at all Icanhelp you with during the rest of our session? Or would you prefer to leave and discuss this all with Mr. LaSalle instead?” Her question is polite but to the point.
“If you’re looking for an honest answer, I have absolutely no idea what to do right now.”
“Why don’t you have a seat, and we’ll just chat for a few minutes until you’ve sorted through some things.”
It’s her eminently reasonable tone that convinces me. I reach for my shield pillow before settling back into the corner of the sofa.
Dr.Grand gives up her fight and picks up her tablet. With both of us armed, we stare at each other in silence for a few beats.
Before she can ask me a question, I blurt out, “For the record, I’m not broken. I’ve been masturbating to videos of a man cage fighting, and I yell his name when I come.”
My cheeks burn with the embarrassment of my confession, but Dr.Grand just nods and makes some notes.
“I see.”
“I met him once. He’s scary ... dangerous, but seriously attractive. It’s like ... primal. Raw and animalistic. I don’t even know what to call it.”
“Primal works,” she says, glancing up at me from her screen. “And I agree that you’re not broken. Modern research shows that even when womenthinkthey have sexual dysfunction, they’re often incorrect. What they have more often are thoughts and beliefs that act like roadblocks to the process of sexual arousal.” She taps the stylus on the screen once, and it bounces. “For instance, a lack of trust or feeling of safety in a relationship may make it difficult to think about sex, and would likely prevent you from initiating it with your partner.”
I think for a moment about my relationship with Chadwick. “But I feel safe with Chadwick. Physically, I mean. I don’t think he’s going to hurt me or let someone else hurt me.”
“But do you feel emotionally safe with him? Can you be yourself and express your deepest fears and hopes and biggest dreams without worry?”
“Oh. Whoa.” I loosen my grip on the pillow. “I see where you’re going with that. And no, Chadwick and I don’t really ... I mean ... Big conversations about our hopes and dreams aren’t really part of our relationship.”
Dr.Grand puts the stylus down. “Then what is part of your relationship?”
Fuck.Of course she had to ask the hard question.
“Clearly not enough sex,” I say with a half laugh.
But Dr.Grand doesn’t laugh with me. She has this expression on her face that makes me want to cry. Like she sees something, and she’s waiting for me to reach the same conclusion.
“I don’t ... I mean, Chadwick and I don’t have a very deep relationship. He does his thing, and I do mine. We meet up for dinner on occasion ...” I trail off because other than me using Chadwick to keep my father close, there is literally no other reason I’m with him anymore. I’m not even attracted to him.
“It’s okay to admit when a relationship is no longer serving you, Ms. Priest. It happens to many people and is usually no one’s fault.”