“If my dad was still alive, I’d probably be sitting in my Jeep, waiting to catch a picture of a cheating spouse and ignoring his call.He gets murdered, and all of a sudden I’m getting everything Iwanted.”
She watched me with sad eyes before reaching out to place a hand on my arm and squeeze.“I’m sorry.So damned sorry that it happenedthisway.”
“Me too.”I looked up at the ceiling.“You know he called four times in the two days before he died, and I neveranswered?”
She bit her lip but saidnothing.
“What kind of son does that?What kind ofpersondoesthat?”
“Rhett—”
I shook my head and kept talking.“When I talked to my mom, she basically told me that digging for evidence to prove him innocent was a waste of time.She thinks he did it.She said money would magically appear.”I closed my eyes as the truth crashed down on me once more.“Maybe he wanted to come clean.Maybe he knew they were coming after him and wanted my help.But I’ll never fucking know because I was too damned angry to listentohim.”
“You couldn’t have known it was your lastchance.”
My eyes snapped open and fixed on her.“What if I could’ve stopped it?Changed things?Instead, I didnothing.I’ll never know the entire truth.Ever.And now I have to live with that for the rest ofmylife.”
Ari wrapped her arms around me and laid her cheek against my chest.“I wish I could change it for you.I wish I had the ability to turn back time and give this back to you.But I can’t.”She snuffled.“None of us can.We make choices and we have to live with them.There was no way youcouldknow.”
“If I hadn’t been so stubborn, I wouldn’t have lost the only chance I had to make peacewiththis.”
“What would you have saidtohim?”
I dropped my chin to rest on her head and thought of how the conversation might have gone if my dad had admitted what he’d done.“I probably would’ve hung up ...at least atfirst.”
“Andthenwhat?”
Imagining the conversation was like shredding my insides with dull knives.“I would’ve asked him why he did it.I would’ve wanted to know if he realized whathe’ddone.”
Ari hugged me tighter.“And if he said he regretted it?Wished he’d never done it?Could you haveforgivenhim?”
I thought of my father’s remorse.How much he probably regretted putting my mom in danger.The more I thought about it, the more I could see why he didn’t come forward sooner.When you were dealing with the cartel, talking meant not only were you risking your life, but your family’s as well.Maybe my dad had a weak moment and got into something too big to get out fromunder.
Could I have given him myforgiveness?
Water droplets slid down my cheeks, and I didn’t know if it was from the spray or anothersource.
“He was my dad.The best man I’d ever known until—” I broke off, not wanting tosayit.
“He washuman, Rhett.People make mistakes.I thought my dad was invincible too, buthe’snot.”
“But he didn’t betray everyone who believed in him!”My shouldersshook.
Ari pressed her lips to my chest.“No, but you have to give him grace anyway.Holding on to the anger isn’t going to change what happened.Someday, you’re going to have to forgive him—and yourself.You won’t be able to move on untilyoudo.”
Intellectually, I knew she was right, but it wasn’t easy.The tight grip that held my anger and feelings of betrayal loosened alittle.
He washuman.
My father was only a man.An imperfect man.A man who believed he deserved more than he was being given, so he found a way to get it—and paid the ultimateprice.
There was nothing I could do to change what happened.He’d already suffered for the sins he’dcommitted.
I’m sorry, Dad.I’m sorry you felt like you had to do this.I’m sorry I wasn’t there to help you find your way free.I’m so fuckingsorry.
The words echoed in my head and tore open the wounds festering inside me.Ari never loosened her grip, and I lost track of time as Iletgo.
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