Everything he said next hit me like bullets to the chest. Her mom had ALS, and Kat had shouldered it all when her dad walked out. Emotionally, financially, and physically.
“Jesus,” I whispered. My chest ached at the thought of Kat going through all of that on her own.
“She didn’t break, but she lost a piece of herself. I still think it’s a freaking miracle she actually married you, because I would’ve said she didn’t believe in marriage anymore after her dad walked out.”
Benjie turned away and coughed, a long hacking one, and grabbed another cocktail napkin to cover his mouth.
“So, why are you telling me this now?” I asked when he turned back.
“Because there might come a time when I can’t be there for her, and someone needs to know what she’s been through. Kat is strong, but everyone has their breaking point.” He met my gaze. “You need to be there to pick up the pieces.”
* * *
Present day
I should have seen it. He all but told me that something was coming, and I was too caught up in thinking about how horrible her mom’s death must have been for Kat that I didn’t see what was right in front of my face. Even when Benjie coughed, it didn’t occur to me that he was dying and that in two months he’d be gone.
But he warned me. All but laid it out that she was going to be put through the crusher again, and he would be the one to do it this time. The problem was, he didn’t realize that by my rushing home to be with Kat when she found out he was gone, I set something into motion that would tear me apart from the inside out.
I tried to pick up the pieces, but I was too fucked up to get them all.
* * *
One year ago
We both felt like we were walking through a fog on that cemetery sidewalk, but for different reasons. Kat hadn’t stopped crying since I got home from the airport. Even when I thought she was cried out, she’d put her earbuds in and listen to Benjie’s favorite album, and silent tears would drip down her face.
Because he knew it was coming, he’d planned his entire ceremony himself, down to the green alligator-skin casket with brass tacks and the ban on black clothes.
Benjie’s brothers and friends had carried the casket, and Kat had followed behind with a spray of yellow lilies. Yellow roses weren’t enough to symbolize their friendship, Benjie’s funeral notes had read.
Everyone was dressed in bright colors, standing beneath black umbrellas in the afternoon rain at the cemetery on a day Kat and I should have been lying on the beach, celebrating our first anniversary. The trip had obviously been cancelled.
My tie matched Kat’s pink dress, but despite the bold colors, the crowd was subdued.
Benjie hadn’t told anyone he was dying, not even his parents. They’d read a letter from him at the service in which he’d explained why.
When everyone knows you’re sick, they start treating you differently. Every question is about the cancer or how you’re feeling, if they don’t have the balls to bring it up directly.
Well, pardon my foul mouth, Father, but fuck that.
I’m alive, and I’m going to live every last moment of this life the way I have before I found out that despite going through round after round of antiquated treatments, I’m still going to die. I wasn’t going to spend the last year of my life with everyone looking at me like I had an expiration date and we were all counting down.
I’m sorry to those who will feel like this was unfair, that I didn’t give you time to prepare. As I think we can all agree—death blows. There’s no good way for it to take someone. You could watch me fade or you could be surprised, and because it’s my life, I chose the second option.
I didn’t just do this for you, so don’t go thinking I’m a selfless bastard. I did this for me too. I made the most of every moment I had. I spent time with friends. I traveled the world. I lived.
Don’t be sad for me. Be happy I’m no longer hacking up a lung after you leave the room.
Fucking lungs. Who knew they’d be the ones to bring me down? I refuse to believe it was all the pot I smoked in college. And after.
I love you all. Now, go tear it up in my name,
Benjie
He added a separate note for Kat.
Kitty Kat, I’m so fucking sorry. I found out a couple months after your mom died, and there was no way I was going to put you through the wringer again. Instead, I decided that I was going to teach you how to live for both of us.