“You’d better go,” I say.
He chews his bottom lip, then nods. “Yeah.”
I turn away, but he reaches for my hand. The contact of his warmth and those calluses against my skin as he gently tugs makes my breath catch.
“Why do you sleep on the floor?” he asks as I turn back.
“What?” I’m tempted to pull away, but he brushes his thumb across my knuckles. I try to form words that don’t make me sound like such an oddball, but there aren’t any. “At the field station, the bunks are just wood frames, so I sleep on my camping mattress. It takes me awhile to get used to a bed again.” Yet I’ve been home for over a week and I haven’t even tried it.
“You miss being in the field,” he says with a soft nod and the hint of a smile. Not a condescending smile. It’s kind.
“I’m trying not to.”
His eyes soften with confusion. “Why is that?”
Anxious energy fizzles beneath my skin. Admitting that I’ve been up half the night, convinced my new job isn’t going to be so great feels wrong, especially to him. You don’t bring up messy life evaluations with the random guy you humped in a bar. I should talk about this with Dad or Sofie or Jesse, but I hate feeling like a mess. I want to put all of that behind me.
“Have a good day,” I manage.
CJ’s expression turns apprehensive. “You too.”
I slip my hand from his and head for my car, but my new shoes on the slick snow make me feel like a duck on ice.
CJ pulls out just as I collapse into the driver’s seat, his trailer rocking gently over the bumps.
You ever wanna not be careful again, do it with me.
A part of me wants to say fuck it and climb him like a tree. The other part is reminding me how peaceful my life has been without a man mucking things up.
How do I know I’m ready to be with someone new?
And how will I break it to my family so they don’t worry?
Chapter Fourteen
I followRowdy on the narrow two-lane, my thoughts on a loop.
It’s been three days since I scribbled my phone number onto a napkin and slipped it into Linnea’s pocket.
Four days since I found out she’s my boss’s daughter.
Eight days since we danced and talked and I made her laugh. Eight days since I made her come on my thigh and she wrapped her perfect lips around me, drinking down a piece of my soul in the process.
Why hasn’t she fucking called me?
Her friend Maryanne and Bear have been talking and texting nonstop. I don’t want Linnea to feel pressured into this double date, but what reason would she have to say no?
Is it because of how this started?
Because of our lies? Because of her dad? Something else?
You like it messy, huh?
All I know is I like it with her.
Or am I just obsessing because she’s not throwing herself at my feet? I groan in frustration. Insecure, much?
I rub my sobriety coin on my keychain and coax in a full breath. I can tolerate uncertainty. I don’t have to like it, and it won’t kill me.Let go and let it be.