I give her a brief retelling of my plane ride.
My sister’s mouth drops open. “He chose Bear Lodge for his wedding? What an asshole.”
Her compassion softens the barbs protecting my heart a teeny bit. “Right?” With a sigh, I add, “I wish it didn’t bother me. It’s not like I want to marry him, and I definitely don’t misshim.”
Sofie nods, but I know her child psychiatrist brain is lit up like a roman candle. “It’s okay if you do.”
I take another sip, the rich sweetness dancing across my tongue. “I think if anything, I miss what…what I thought we’d be.”
“That makes total sense. You guys were together for a long time. You made plans.”
“He’s working for a biotech firm.”
She frowns in confusion. “I thought he wanted to study polar bears?”
“Guess he changed his mind.”
“That probably feels like a betrayal too.”
That might be why it was harder to untangle my feelings when it all came crashing down. Nathan believed in me—or so I thought. We had the same goals and an aligned purpose. The rest of the world could accuse me of being “focused” and “committed” if I didn’t have to bear it alone. Turns out I was alone all along; I just didn’t realize it until after it ended.
“At least I’ll never have to work with him,” I reply.
She gives me one of her sassy winks. “Way to look on the bright side.”
She covers my hand with hers. Her touch is warm and soothing and it shouldn’t make me cry. Maybe because I’ve missed it. Missed feeling cared for, important. These past two years I’ve been gone a lot. Not that I’ve wanted to avoid my family, I just needed to figure some things out on my own. When I was with Nathan, I didn’t know how to find my voice. Being away, outside of their protective bubble…it’s given me the quiet I needed to tune into the rhythm of my own heart. And even though it was lonely sometimes, I think I’m stronger because of it.
“I saw his fiancée when I went through baggage claim,” I say, scooping up a melted blob of whipped cream with the tip of my index finger. It’s the homemade kind, rich and a little bit sweet. “She looked, I don’t know…happy? But kind of fragile too.”
Sofie sips her coffee, but there’s a serious glint to her gaze. “You sound worried about her.”
“What if he was only that way with me?” I blurt.
She gives me a look. “From a statistical perspective, that’s incredibly unlikely, but can we dig a little deeper here?”
I huff a sigh. It’s impossible to have a normal conversation about relationships with my sister, especially if there’s a wound to poke.
“How he treated you has nothing to do with you,” she says in a compassionate but firm tone. “He’s manipulative and controlling.”
She’s right, and yet, there was a time not too long ago that I was convinced his mistreatment of me was my fault. That the way I am meant I didn’t deserve the kind of love that’s pure and genuine. Logically I know that’s false, but it still creeps up on me sometimes. Another reason I have no business getting into any kind of relationship right now. I’m not losing myself in someone else again. Not until I feel solid.
Sofie sits back, a thoughtful expression in her bright blue eyes. “How’s living with Dad?”
I smile. “It’s nice being home.”
“How long do you think you’ll stay?”
I take a slow sip of my coffee. A normal functioning adult would have this answer ready. Because what twenty-eight-year-old still lives at home? “I’m not sure.”
“No pressure, you know that right? Dad loves having you.”
“Kind of hard to have a life though.” Not that I’m ready for that either, but someday, I would like to be. “How’s your hundred dates project for him going?”
She laughs. “Considering I can’t even get him to go on a single date, he’s going tobea hundred first.”
Another reason for me to move out. Because what if he wants to bring someone home? The idea makes my insides feel like cold oatmeal. Which then makes me feel guilty. I don’t want him to be alone forever. Especially with his retirement coming up. He shouldhave someone to share his life with other than Bruneau and his horses.
“Think he’s just rusty?”