“I’m not asking if my services are still required,” I reply, trying hard not to feel like he’s gaslighting me. He isn’t… not really. He’s just hurt. I think. “I am asking ifyouwant me there.”
I watch his shoulders fall on a deep exhale. His tough guy, cool, dauntless image is gone now. He looks positively broken. “This is all so fucked and I just… I don’t know if we can unfuck it.”
“We can,” I promise blindly because even though I don’t have a plan, I know that we have to fix this. We have to save the love that we created in the eye of the storm of lies.
“How?” Gabriel swallows.
“Answer my question.”
The idea of this ending with Gabriel makes my insides cold and hollow, but I wait for him to decide. I’m all in. Here’s where I find out if I made yet another mistake when it comes to my heart. “I want you with me. In France, for the Grand Prix.”
It’s not everything, but it’s something. “Okay. Let’s go then.”
“Okay.”
We pack up what we brought to Paris silently, moving about the apartment like ghosts. The flight is much of the same. We’re in Business, in sleeping pods beside each other but separate. I start digging nuggets of hope out of little things, like a miner sifting for gold. The fact that he doesn’t put up the divider between our sleeping pods. The way he waits for me as I gather my things so we can debark the plane together. The way he doesn’t allow me to stop at my hotel room door, instead, he wordlessly takes my hand and leads me to his. And most importantly how, even though we don’t have sex, he doesn’t push me away when I curl into his back, pressing my lips to his shoulder blade before falling into a restless sleep.
When Gabe leaves in the morning for press conferences and practice and all the things that start his race weekend, I wonder whether he realizes that he takes my heart with him. He’ll always have it, even if he decides we can’t unfuck this.
29GABRIEL
I get moremedia attention than ever because it's considered my home GP. I'm French. Of course, the marriage and the statement released by Dominique that she was not pursuing any legal action anymore and that the whole thing was a misunderstanding, has everyone hounding me in all the press events. I keep with the canned answers. “I appreciate her setting the record straight and I am happy to move past this misunderstanding.”
I say it so much it's hard not to yawn while doing it. In truth, I am very grateful it all worked out so easily. But I'm also still hurting from finding out Axel is moving to London. This whole relationship was based on a lie. I get that but now it feels like a lie based on a lie because he didn't tell me there was a job waiting for him. His reward for putting up a good front with me. I knew he was being paid, but I didn't know there was more to it.
“Are you ready?” Holly asks me and I nod.
I’m actually not ready to do this big sit-down piece with the docuseries. They’ve never wanted me before and I feel like this is still undeserved. I want them to want to interview me because I’m driving well, which I am. But they only want me because my personal life has become interesting.
Holly puts a hand to her stomach. "Okay, so the basics. You can swear, they actually kind of like that. But remember, you represent the sport and your team so keep it relatively PG. Oh, and they will ask you about personal stuff. Don't get pissy like you usually do. Okay?"
“Okay.”
She freezes. "I will be back in a jiffy." Then she sprints to the ladies' room which is at the end of the hall.
Jasper’s interview finishes and he walks across the big room, directly to me. He isn’t a talker. I mean, except to Cristian, but he stops in front of me. His bodyguard is a few feet behind him. I wonder what it’s like to be a prince and need a bodyguard. “You ever wonder about the contradiction of having a bodyguard following you everywhere you go except in the one place where you’re actually at imminent risk? The race car?”
Jasper narrows his eyes and then kind of shrugs. “No. But I’ll be thinking about it now.”
“Sorry. I’m in a philosophical mood.”
“Why?” Jasper asks simply.
I decide to tell him because if anyone knows about confidentiality it's a gay prince and besides, I just need to vent to someone who will be unbiased. "Axel and I. That whole thing was fixed. It was arranged. To make my image softer and divert attention from the accusations."
He looks stunned. “The whole thing? Could have fooled me. Actually, youdidfool me.”
I smile sadly. “Yeah, I think I fooled me too. But he was doing it for a position with my dad’s company. I didn’t know that. As you might have heard, the accusations against me have been dropped. So he doesn’t have to be my boyfriend anymore. Or at least he won’t have to be soon.”
“Wow.” Jasper blinks.
“Sorry. I don’t mean to unload on you.” I look away. Watching the camera crew putter around their set moving cables is more tolerable than looking at the face of the virtual stranger-slash-co-worker I just spilled my guts to.
“I don’t mind being an ear for you,” Jasper says and runs a hand through his blond hair. “I could have used one when Cristian and I were starting out. Can I ask you a question? Where is Axel now?”
“He’s at the hotel, I think.”
"So he's here in France?" I nod and Jasper smiles. "And is it the fact that he took this job intending to get another job that's the problem? If he'd just taken the job with nothing lined up afterward, would that make you feel better?"