“All right. I’ll check back in on you in a few minutes.”
After the curtain closed behind her, Mal sat forward on his chair, his hands clasped tightly and gave me this look so full of pain. “I’m so sorry, Saylor. I never should’ve trusted Naomi to handle your security. I should’ve called or gone with you. I just…I failed you. And I’m so fucking sorry. I should’ve put you first.”
It was everything I wanted him to say, so why did it feel so wrong?
Tears sheened my vision, and I shook my head.
“I put my convenience over your safety, and that’s going to haunt me the rest of my days. I don’t… There’s nothing I can say to make it up to you. I’m so sorry.”
My whole body started shaking. “Will you hold me? Please?”
Mal’s eyes darted from my bandaged arm to the IV sticking out of my other hand. And I knew he didn’t want to hurt me anymore, but the puppy dog eyes I gave him did the trick.
He pushed out of the chair with a groan then walked around the bed to burrow behind me on the slim, hard twin-sized mattress. He spooned me, his knees behind mine but his pelvis nowhere near mine. His arm came around my waist and his hand rested just below my bra.
It wasn’t nearly as tight as I wanted, but something about having his arms around me centered me. Suddenly all was right with my world, and I could breathe again.
I relaxed in his arms for a few minutes, but once I was calm again, I could tell he wasn’t. From his rigid body to his heavy breathing, Mal was vibrating with tension and angst. No doubt he was still mentally beating himself up. And it hurt my heart so much.
“I know the first month of our marriage hasn’t exactly gone to plan,” I began, but had to stop when he shook the bed with his soft laughter.
“You think?”
I smiled at the sardonic tone in his voice. “Yeah. But I think as long as there’s not a biblical plague on the horizon—although given our luck, there might be—we should be able to take some time and just be together now. Don’t you think?”
I didn’t need to see his face to read the heavy tension in the room.
“Mal? What’s going on?” My stomach fell. Oh god. Was he breaking up with me?
“The guys and I might have agreed to continue the band tonight.”
I blinked a few times, waiting for the hammer to fall. But when he didn’t say anything else, I probed further. “Okay? Isn’t that a good thing? I thought you loved your band.”
“But it’s not the life I promised you. I said I’d put my all behind you and your career. That we’d figure it out together, and I’d be the Stay-At-Home Dad supporting you.”
‘Stay-At-Home Dad.’
I had to catch my breath before I could ask, “Do you… We never really talked about it—which in hindsight is stupid—but do you want children?”
“I mean in theory, yes? But I don’t see how it would work if I’m touring and you’re either going back to school or starting your career. You’re only twenty-two. That’s not exactly fair to you.”
My breath left me in a whoosh of relief. Which I realized meant I wasn’t ready to have kids right now either.
But Mal kept going.
“And it also shouldn’t take you getting abducted and passing out in a hospital for us to have a conversation. Especially one as important as this. I didn’t even have the band as an excuse for my shitty behavior this last month. I failed as a husband again and again, and I wasn’t even working. What’s it going to be like when I am recording and playing and touring with the guys? How can this ever work then?”
His voice grew tighter and tighter the longer he spoke, and I knew he was blaming himself for way too many things.
“Okay, first, I want you to take a breath. We don’t need them admitting you too, because then we’ll never get out of here.”
Mal gave a choked laugh that had me smiling in response.
“And second, I’m going to need you to give yourself some grace here. Your best friend died. Sure, this last month has been rough, but we’re still here together. You tearing the hospital apart for me told me everything I needed to know about your feelings for me.”
His arm tightened around me for a second, then he brushed his hand up to cup my breast. He nuzzled into my neck. “You are clearly the brains of this couple. Thank you for not giving up on us.”
“Never. Not as long as you keep loving me like this.” I sighed and relaxed into his embrace. “But third, and I think the most important thing here, is that we need to lean on each other. What’s the point of this marriage if we’re not there for each other in bad times as well as the good ones?”