‘I couldn’t.’
My expression hardened. ‘Why not? Didn’t I deserve the truth? Were you ever going to tell me?’
‘Of course I was. I just needed more time.’
‘Not good enough, Henry. You had months.’
His head bowed. He looked as though he’d aged twenty years since he opened the door to me earlier.
‘You’re absolutely right. The truth is, I was scared. It had gone so badly the first time. And your parting words made it perfectly clear you never wanted to see me again.’
Henry gave an old man’s humourless laugh. ‘Which, ironically, was the exact sentiment of what your mother said to me thirty-five years earlier: “Just know that when you walk away from me now, you lose all right to speak to me ever again.” I thought I’d lost all chance of ever making amends with you, Ellie. But I couldn’t stay away from Bee. So, I continued to visit the cemetery; I just got to learn your schedule and made sure you never saw me again. And then one Saturday morning I passed you by the gates, and you looked straight at me and just smiled politely. And I knew immediately that you didn’t recognise me. You didn’t remember who I was. It was as though fate had given me a second chance to do better. To allow you to get to know me, the kind of man I was, and then decide if you want me to be a part of your life.’
I remembered the day he was talking about. ‘That’s why I thought you looked vaguely familiar the first time our paths crossed. It was because I’d met you before.’
‘The lightning didn’t just give you another chance ... it gave me one too,’ Henry said, his voice low. ‘And I’m ashamed to say I took it.’
A silence fell between us as the wheels in my head spun, looking for traction. Was this the end for us? Or was it a new beginning? If this was the last time I’d ever speak to him, if the betrayalwas simply too large to get over, there were still questions I needed answering.
‘When did you know about me? When did Mum tell you she was having your baby?’
Henry’s face twisted into a mask of pain and regret. ‘She never did, Ellie. Bee never let me know.’
‘But she always said my father hadn’t wanted us. That he’d walked away.’
‘That’s partly true. I did walk away, but I had no idea what I was leaving behind.’ He sounded broken.
‘Telling Bee I was going to marry Caroline broke my heart and if I’d have known you were on the way, I think it would have destroyed me.’
‘Would it have made a difference?’
It was all so many years ago, it shouldn’t still matter, but God help me, it did.
‘It would have made all the difference in the world. I would have found a way to be there for you.’
I met his eyes.
‘Something changed in Mum when you told her you were choosing Caroline.’
Henry nodded sadly.
‘I believe you’re right. But I don’t blame her. I wish with all my heart I could rewind time and do everything differently.’ He hesitated as though uncertain if the ground he was standing on was strong enough to hold him. ‘I would have loved to have been your dad. But I think what I’ve done might have ruined that now.’
Time seemed to slow down. We had reached a pivotal moment in both of our lives.
‘Let’s just take things one step at a time,’ I said hesitantly.
Very slowly, Henry’s hand reached out to bridge the gap between us on the bench. In the split second before I allowed mineto be folded in his, I noticed something amazing. For months I’d watched those hands pull up weeds, tend to plants, or wrap themselves around takeaway cups, and I’d never once noticed our hands were practically identical. We shared the same long, tapering fingers – even the nails were similar. I have my father’s hands. I let the sentence spool through my head several times, amazed at the comfort it gave me.
The sun had almost slipped beneath the horizon, and the temperature had dropped a further few degrees. We should probably have returned to Henry’s apartment long before now, but I think we were both reluctant to leave the sanctuary of the rose garden.
‘Your mother made me promise she’d never hear from me again, but there were many times over the years when I almost weakened. If I had, it wouldn’t have taken me until now to realise there was a you in this world.’
He gave a sad sigh, and I wondered again why he still didn’t appear angry with my mother for not telling him. Because quite frankly, I was still furious with both of them for the lies they’d told each other and for the ones they’d told me.
‘It was sheer chance that I came across Bee’s obituary in the newspaper.’ He gave a twisted smile. ‘Or maybe chance had nothing to do with it. Maybe it was fate dealing out one last round of cards. Whatever the reason, I was devastated to learn she had passed away. And then when I read that she’d never married and was survived by a thirty-four-year-old daughter...’ He gave a shrug that in any other circumstance would have made me smile. ‘I’m a maths teacher. I did the sums and knew you were mine.’
He licked his lips, looking suddenly nervous. ‘Maybe this is where our journey to get to know each other could actually begin?’