“Which would make you a fool and an asshole for not stopping me from doing something so unbelievably reckless and potentially life-altering!”
“Shhhh. Payne’s in the kitchen. He doesn’t need to hear us arguing about this.”
“And why not, when he agrees with me? You heard him after our conversation about bull riding.”
“Yeah, I did,” he said. “He’d never want to watch me wreck. So, I wasn’t planning on inviting him, or you, if I decided to do it. I’d never ask that of either of you.”
“Oh, so you’d just rather I pace around here trying not to lose my shit the whole time you’re gone.”
“I could always text you in between rounds to tell you how it was going,” I replied.
His pacing, which he only did when he was truly frustrated about something, kept casting shadows over the notes I was attempting to concentrate on.
“Is that what you think I want, some texts that may or may not come at regular intervals but are certain to send my blood pressure through the roof?”
“Not if you spend the day doing something fun with Payne,” I explained. “He’s new to the area; you could take him out on an adventure somewhere. He’s probably got things he needs to pick up since everything he owns fits in that Kia of his.”
“Okay, fair, but he’s perceptive, Wylde; he’ll know something is going on because I’ll be distracted and constantly checking my phone all day.”
“Then keep it in your pocket until it chimes and put your focus where it belongs, on our boy.”
“I won’t lie if he asks.”
“I wouldn’t want you to,” I said. “And to stress my initial point, I haven’t decided if I am going to do it yet or not.”
“But you want to.”
Sighing, I finally put the pencil down and focused on him, hoping that we could end the conversation before Payne came outside and caught wind of the fact that we were arguing.
“Yes, I want to. But I am also out of practice and haven’t engaged in anything more strenuous than helping you assemble a few swings and repair a supply cabinet door. So, I’m taking that into consideration too, and weighing the odds of having a successful day in the arena. I know all the things that can go wrong. I’ve lived it. I don’t need you to remind me because I was conscious for every second of my wreck. I remember what that pain felt like, and I’m still low-key terrified of it. Which is part of the reason I’m thinking about getting up on a bull. To get that fear out of my head. And so I can end my career the way I’d always planned to. Waving at the crowd, instead of strugglingto give a thumbs up, because just that little bit of effort took everything out of me as they carried me off.”
“And that’s more important to you than me and Payne?”
“No.”
“Then tear the goddamn form up or let me do it. I’ll be happy to tear it up or burn the goddamn thing so you can’t fish it out of the trash and decide to send it in at the last minute.”
“If I decide to throw it away, I’ll do it myself. Thanks though, for not just going ahead and doing it.”
“The only reason I haven’t is because that would be crossing a line,” he replied. “I won’t make your decisions for you unless you ask me to, but I will beg you to make the right one. The safe one. Because I love you, and I am excited to see the garden take shape. But I’m scared too. I’m terrified that it won’t happen because you won’t be here to help us create it. So, I am pleading with you here and now not to put me through a day of sheer and utter terror waiting to see if you’re going to come home to me in one piece.”
“Thor—”
“Just throw it away, Wylde.”
“When I’m sure,” I told him as I made the final note on the supply list and stood, walking past him into the cabin so I could talk to Payne about what colors he wanted the pots to be.
Payne was in the kitchen, singing along to the radio as he made sliders for lunch, the spicy-sweet scent of barbeque sauce making my mouth water as I slid behind him, draped my arms over his shoulders, and swayed to the beat.
“We are not done talking about this!” Thor said as he stomped inside.
“Yes, we are, because there’s nothing else to say until I make up my mind,” I hissed, hoping he’d finally just leave it be, for fuck’s sake, especially when I could feel Payne growing tense as we danced.
“You shouldn’t have to make up your mind,” Thor snapped. “You should already know that it’s the absolute wrong thing to do, so wrong that you shouldn’t even be thinking about doing it.”
“At the very least, can we agree to disagree until we’re alone?” I said. “Then you can go back to making a fuss if you want, but it isn’t going to change the fact that I haven’t made my mind up yet.”
“You don’t need to hide what you’re arguing about from me,” Payne insisted, wiggling until he could turn around in my arms. “We’re about to move in together, so if there is a problem, shouldn’t I be included in whatever it is that’s going on? And don’t try to tell me it’s nothing, not when you’ve been shooting looks at him all week.”