But did I?
It only took a few seconds for me to realize that I did and that this might be the only chance I was going to get before Rebel moved on to someone else.
Like Kit.
I spotted them in each other’s company more and more since that night at the campground when our conversation had been interrupted. On one hand, that might be the very best thing for him. Kit was a fellow musician, like Rebel; when the music stopped, they got to go off duty, well, maybe not completely, not with all the afterparties and radio station appearances. There were podcasts and news articles too. I hadn’t had a clue what all they endured until I’d started paying attention to just how full their schedules were. It made Rebel’s behavior and his desire fortime to just be himself far more understandable. But was there a place for me in all that?
I’d been glad to see him venture out to explore Estes Park when we’d been camped out there, but I had noticed that when we were lodged in a city, he rarely left his room these days. It was like he was refusing to go out anywhere he might be photographed being escorted, which was going to happen eventually, regardless of how determined he was to prolong the inevitable.
Maybe I should have done a better job getting to the heart of his resistance to being protected, instead of filling our time laughing, dissecting hockey games, and pinning him to any surface that would support our weight.
Damn, now I had yet another regret.
“Wow, it looks like something's finally resonating with you,” Johnny said, snapping me back to the moment.
“Is this how you like to spend your spare time?” I asked, realizing, almost immediately, that I was deflecting the same way I accused Rebel of doing. “Playing matchmaker.”
“Well, I have to admit that I am extremely proud of the way things turned out for Jagger, Kayden, and Robbie, even if they did issue a hands-off order on my formerly favorite Lucky Charms.”
“I won’t even pretend to know what you’re talking about there.”
“Someday I’ll tell you the story,” he declared. “But only if you fix things between you and Rebel. I was serious when I said that I hadn’t seen him that happy in a very long time.”
“He seems happy enough hanging out with Kit.”
“Ohh, someone’s jealous,” Johnny replied, that cheeky grin firmly back in place. “Too bad. You brought this on yourself, not that it’s a bad thing, unless you’ve got something against open relationships. Or poly. It seems to me like it would be the best thing for everyone involved when you really think about it. Rebel can be kind of needy and attention-seeking, and you do have a job to do that keeps you from giving him all the time and affection he craves, so why not consider the possibilities?”
“And you think he’d be good with that?”
“Pfft, I know he would,” Johnny admitted. “Especially if that meant that he got everything he craved without having to go out and hunt for it.”
“Wait…he was serious about that?” I asked because I’d taken what he’d said at the bar for a pickup line and a way to divert attention away from him being down at the bar without a guard.
“Listen closely, because I’m only going to say this once,” Johnny declared. “Rebel isn’t exactly comfortable with people knowing about some of his preferences. That’s the real issue he has with having someone shadow him. He’s afraid they’ll see something that he doesn’t want them to and judge him for it or talk about it behind his back. Having you guys with us, that's something that had to happen. But trusting people doesn’t come easy for him. If you knew how many times people have taken one look at him, judged him, dismissed him, or tried to use him as a means to an end, maybe you’d have a better understanding of why all of this is so difficult for him. He’s not trying to be a problem; he's just trying to protect himself.”
“Which is our job now too.”
“Exactly. So, help him let you guys do a better job of it, and for fuck’s sake, if you care about him, make sure he knows it and that you’re willing to work with him to figure out how to be comfortable with letting himself be loved the right way. He needs that. I think you both do. You haven’t exactly looked so jolly yourself these past few weeks.”
Sighing, I ran my fingers through my soaked hair, unable to deny the truth in his words. I’d been snarly, snapped at a few of my fellow guards, and barely kept from confronting Sully about the comment he’d made about how someone like Rebel shouldn’t be so good at slipping his guards the way he’d done before Sully had glued himself to Rebel’s hip.
“I’ll talk to him,” I relented. “But don’t count on it doing any good. He wasn’t very receptive the last time I tried.”
Even as I said it, I recalled the way he’d started to relaxnear the end of that conversation at the campground and even opened up to me about his sister. I hadn’t even known he’d had siblings, which just spoke to how caught up we’d been enjoying our time together. Cutting loose like that didn’t come naturally for me, but it had with him. That alone was all the confirmation I needed that he’d actually been good for me. If I could tame the brat in him or at least get him to tone it down enough that he didn’t get me fired, there was a small chance that I could uncover the man I could spend the rest of my life with. There were pieces of himself he’d shown me glimpses of in quiet, tranquil moments when it felt like we were the only people in the world, that I longed to explore deeper.
“I’m not asking you to promise anything,” Johnny said. “I’m just asking you to try.”
“That I can do.”
“Then I’ll get out of your way and let you finish your swim,” Johnny said, retracting his feet from the pool.
“Thanks,” I replied as I pushed off the wall, thoughts of Rebel and Johnny’s words floating through my mind as I swam.
The man Rebel had shown me he could be had captivated me and lured me into opening my heart. Going back to being the closed-off, prickish asshole I’d been before spending that time with him wasn’t going to get me what I wanted and needed in my life. For so long I’d been committed to following orders, doing my duty, and going through each day with a rigidness that bordered on being mechanical. Letting myself feel for him, as painful as it was right now, had reminded me that I was still a person. A man with needs and dreams of his own, ones that didn’t involve spending the rest of my life alone, monotonously plodding through my days searching for purpose.
I’d planned to swim fifty laps this morning and had been on lap number thirty-three when Johnny had interrupted me, but four laps into my renewed swim I realized that I wasn’t in the mood to finish that fifty. When I reached the side of the pool closest to the door, I heaved myself over the edge, snatched my towel off the chair where I’d left it, and nodded to Cooper on myway out the door.
Some of the things Johnny had said, about Rebel not being comfortable with some of the things he enjoyed, reminded me of the shock in his eyes when I’d pinned him to the wall and held him there, kissing him until neither of us could breathe. I remembered the way he’d wrestled me for control in those early moments of passion, only to melt beneath me when I’d pinned him to the bed and ordered him to let me take care of him.