“I killed my sister. You can say it.” I fill in the end of his sentence, but I don’t look up. “Just another memory for my nightmares to use.” I feel him tense, even when I can’t look his way. “My Nexus is scheming and I am plotting war with my aunt. I’m in a city of refugees that I caused—well, that my sister caused and now she is dead. People are likely celebrating that one of their feared monsters is dead. The other is acting like a princess sitting in a posh building above them.” I pause, realising I’m ranting. “Things have just been a bit overwhelming, Rhodes. I’m doing the best I can.”
“Gwenieve, you have always done the best in the worst moments of your life… Let me help you. Come with me. I promise I’ll show you something that will at least distract you for a bit and make you smile.” I lift my eyes to meet his. “I used to be good at that…helping you. I love seeing the light come back into your eyes, see the real you appear.”
I hesitate. I see pain cross his face, deep in his eyes at my hesitation. At the lack of trust that lingers between us. But I don’t say anything.
“I’d never hurt you or lie to you again. I had no choice but to lie to you the first time, because it was always fated for you to destroy Starlight City. There was no way around it other than your death and Georgina taking your power for her own and still destroying the city. Some moments are set in stone, just like it was fated for you to kill your twin sister. Your mother even gave you the weapon… I’m saying that I know how powerless you feel even with all the power. How you hate yourself right now? I feel that every day, every night, because of the choice I was forced to make.”
“I feel like the Gods have fated a lot of my life. What else have they fated, Rhodes?” I practically scream at him in anger. I swipethe map off the table and slam my hands onto it. “Am I fated to lose all my mates, like my Nexus did in the last lifetime? Have I no choice but to watch? What else have the damned Gods done to ruin me? I am tired of them!” I suck in a shaky breath. “I’m tired and lost, Rhodes. I don’t have it in me to keep fighting and losing…and losing again.”
He walks over and goes to his knees in front of me and grabs my hands as my breaths heave in and out, and fresh tears fall down my face. “Then we do not lose. Not this time. Fuck the Gods. Your mother only told me that you are fated to destroy Starlight City and that you must because it is the only way that you will survive in the end. I didn’t want to believe her, but I could feel you in her womb—I knew that you were there. She was a desperate woman, telling me that her daughter had every chance of dying. I could feel how much she did not want that. She knew Georgina was fated for death from the moment she was born, and she knew that there was a chance that you get to live.” He looks at me steadily, like he will never give up on me. “Let me help you do that. Live, Gwen. There is so much to fight for, so much to dream about, and one day I promise the dreams will overshadow the nightmares. I will make sure of it.”
“Rhodes…I don’t know a life without nightmares,” I whisper. “It makes me so angry. I’ve used, hurt and turned into my worst fear. How will I ever stop being this angry?”
“You’re struggling. You’ve given up so much, Gwen. So much for your age, and it’s not fair. You can be angry—fuck, I’d be angry. That’s okay too because it means you are feelingsomething, and I’d rather your anger than the emptiness I’ve seen in people that are broken beyond repair.” He squeezes my hands. “But you cannot give up. I will not let you.”
“You were the one I trusted the most,” I whisper.
“I know.” His voice breaks. “There was nothing I ever said to you that was truly a lie. The feelings? They were all true. Thelove—true. The fact that I would accept every version of you that there ever is—true. Do you want to be a villain? Burn this world to the ground? I will be at your side, smiling. I don’t give a shit about the ending of this world, the stars, or anything that lies beyond it. It does not matter to me as much as it matters to me that you are with me.”
I believe him. Gods, I don’t want to, but I do. Forgiveness might take us a moment, but I think we can get through it somehow. Together. “It’s going to take me a while to trust you again.”
“I know, and you should make me grovel and suffer.” He winks and I smile widely at him. “Perhaps the first date is a good place to start? I believe the first date involved puppies, and you can have however many you want.”
“I didn’t know it was a date, technically,” I mutter. “I was tricked.”
“I’m smart like that.” He raises an eyebrow.
“Oh, am I going to get another puppy out of this? I feel like your nephew stole my dog.” I grin, helping him stand up so he can tower over me as usual.
“He didn’t steal your dog. Your dog loves everyone. Anybody gives her treats, and she’s instantly their best friend.” Rhodes reminds me of my dog’s friendly nature. I did not teach her that. If I were a dog, I’d bite people first and then decide if they could be trusted.
“Maybe I should get a cat,” I mutter half-heartedly.
“I’ll admit, cats are more of a one-person animal when they bond,” Rhodes agrees, sliding his hands into his jeans. “Do you like cats more than dogs?”
I think about it for a long moment. “No, but I actually like any animals. In fact, you could build me a whole farm, and I’d be fine with that. As long as I don’t have to pick up the poo.”
“That seems like an unavoidable downside if you had a whole farm.” He laughs.
I smile up at him. It’s nice to be back on some kind of good terms with Rhodes. He’s always felt like my best friend, right from the beginning. I slide on my boots before getting in the elevator with him and heading outside.
“I didn’t check on Feyre this morning. How is she?” he asks.
“Annie’s got her talking, so that’s good,” I answer as we get to the bottom floor. “The therapists are working with her around the clock, as are some of the advanced healers. They’re thinking about wiping some of her memories permanently. They have done it before with some people and had good results. Finnegan isn’t sure…but then again, no one is.”
“Memories are ours, but I agree, some people cannot handle it. We have powers, we are blessed with them, and it would help her,” Rhodes murmurs. “I gather you’re not interested in a memory wipe?”
“Unfortunately, no…things don’t seem to traumatise me more than I already am. I feel like I’ve reached a certain level of trauma where, when something happens, I’m just like—oh, something new? That’s bad—and then I move on with more fuel for my nightmares.” Rhodes pushes the door open, the chilly air blowing my hair around as we step outside. He looks at me the way he usually does. “Yes, I know I should probably see a therapist too, but I feel like I might traumatise the therapist, and my Nexus might kill them for fun. She is getting restless, tired of waiting, and she barely likes sharing a mind with me.”
“Okay. Perhaps you just start by not expecting bad things to happen all the time,” Rhodes suggests, like that is an easy thing to do.
“That’s not going to happen.” I shake my head. He reaches for my hand and links our fingers together. I let him because it feels good. It’s always felt right with Rhodes; that’s what makesit hard not to fall for him again. But heismy mate, after all; of course it feels good.
We walk across the city together in a pretty comfortable silence. He buys me an ice cream from a vendor—rich chocolate, absolutely delicious. I devour it in minutes, not caring that it’s cold outside because good food doesn’t come all that often. As my tongue drags across the sweet smoothness, my gaze meets his in the busy street. It’s just us for a long moment, just his eyes on me in a way that sets my body alight. The heat I find in his stare makes everything in me clench, and I watch his Adam’s apple as he swallows thickly. “So…” I murmur. “Where is it you want to show me?”
Rhodes clears his throat and looks away. “Here.” We stop outside a plain building. I can’t figure out what it is from the outside. The lettersRVare on the front door, though. Rhodes opens the door for me, and immediately I hear barking. The smell of dogs and cats fills my senses.
“Gwen?” My eyes widen as I see Howard behind a desk. Rhodes lets go of my hand as Howard runs around the desk and pulls me into a hug. I hug him back tightly. He looks good—healthy.