I allowed my head to rest and closed my eyes while I thought about how to answer.
“Sometimes.” I turned to watch her, soaking in the details of her profile. “Not often enough.”
Her brows bent in a thoughtful V. “What do you mean?”
“Friends don’t judge each other, right?”
“They don’t.” Remi smiled. God, that smile made me fucking weak. “You should hear some of the things Ness tells me, and you’d know the answer to that.”
It was a lighthearted comment that was meant to make me feel better, but it didn’t. Turmoil over my relationship with my father hadfestered inside me for so long, it felt like lancing an infected wound to open up about it now.
On another night, I might not have answered. But after hours of watching her take care of people she loved, watching her smile and laugh and be a horrible cook and not know it, watching her extend herself over and over because her heart was as big as the entire world, I knew that giving her some truth was the only way to navigate what I was feeling.
What I was feeling for her.
If I put on a mask or tried to be perfect, she’d know. She’d see. And it would shatter whatever tentative truce we’d found ourselves in.
Swallowing that instinct to show her my good side, the perfect side, was like shoving the arm of a cactus straight down into my gut, but I did it all the same.
My voice was rough when I answered.
“Even when I do stupid shit, when I make decisions that are blatantly self-destructive, I still find myself wondering if he’s paying attention.” My hands curled into fists on my lap, and I forced them to relax. “Knowing I could make him angry, knowing I could disappoint him, felt better than his apathy. Fucked up, right?”
“Hefucked you up,” she corrected firmly. “That’s on him, Archer. Not you.”
“I’m closer to thirty than twenty-five, Remi. At some point, itison me.” I kept my eyes on her even though she was driving. “He’s not standing over my shoulder, forcing me to make unhealthy decisions for the wrong fucking reasons. Like how I treated you. How I spoke to you. That’s not my father’s fault.Idid that.”
She sighed, her face looking so sad that I wanted to rewind everything that had gotten us to this point, undo every piece of conversation that made her mouth do that slight downturn like it was now.
“And you apologized.” Her eyes cut to mine, a flash of temper there, like she was daring me to argue. “Would he have done the same thing?”
“No. Do you know what the first lesson was that he ever taught me? Evanses never humble themselves.Thatis what he drilled into me my entire life, and trying to dismantle the hold those words have on me is like tearing down a brick wall with my bare fucking hands.” I laughed, dry and harsh. “That first week at the shelter? I wanted to keep you pissed off. I loved it. Your anger did something to me, Remi, and I know how fucked up that is. Don’t give me too much credit here.”
Her chest heaved on a deep breath, and I worried I’d gone too far.
Then she yanked on the wheel and steered the car into an empty parking lot. The church in front of us was brick walls and white columns, only one car parked close to the covered entrance. Great, a heavenly witness was just what I needed for this conversation. Might as well tell whoever was listening to add a couple check marks to my scorecard toward damnation.
With rough movements, she shoved the vehicle into park and turned, folding her leg into her seat so that it was resting on the console.
Too far.
Too much.
That would always be my problem, wouldn’t it?
I could only come so far in trying to repair any of the relationships in my life before one stupid, rash decision knocked my progress off the rails and sent me spiraling in the opposite direction.
“Are you done sitting in the villain seat? You occupy it so easily in your own mind, I can’t help but wonder if you like it.”
“What? That’s not what I’m doing.”
“Yes, it is. And he put you there. Over and over, when you didn’t act the way he wanted and when you didn’t do exactly the thing that madehimlook best. The only lesson he’s taught you is that acting out gets you attention from the people in your life who you should be learning from. He’s just a really shitty teacher.” She leaned in, her eyes blazing. “But guess what? It’s still working, because he is not the only person giving you the attention you need. You respect your coach?”
“Yes.”
“Have you learned anything from him? Has he been checking in on you more lately?”
“Yes,” I said, more roughly than before.