At Gavin’s age, I never would have received such a logical pep talk. There would’ve been guilt. Would’ve been shame. And the dangling of my father’s affection over my head like a fucking carrot on a stick.
“Do you think if I had someone to help me play soccer in the backyard, I’d be good enough to start?” the kid asked quietly.
Remi pinched her eyes shut. “Maybe. I could ... I could try to find some lessons or something if that’s what you want.”
“Lessons are expensive, right?”
She tipped her head back and let out a slow, soundless breath. “Sometimes, yeah. But you let me worry about that.”
“Cory’s dad helps him,” he added quietly. “He played soccer in college, so they work on dribbling and shooting and stuff. Do you ... do you think my dad played soccer?”
Heartbreak. It was the only way to describe Remi’s face. The pit of my stomach pitched and rolled, the discomfort so thick that I fought the urge to back away, to not look anymore.
“I don’t know, buddy. Maybe.” Remi rubbed a hand over her forehead. “I’ll look into getting some lessons this summer, okay? Maybe they’ve got someone at the rec center who can help.”
“Okay. Thanks, Mom.”
“I love you,” she said softly.
“Love you more.”
Remi smiled. “Impossible.”
Don’t you want me to be proud of you, Archer? I’d be proud of a son who’s the best.
Slowly, I stepped back from her office, wondering what the fuck I was doing trying to get under her skin the way I had been. The lobby was empty and quiet, and I gripped the edge of the front desk, hanging my head down toward my chest as I tried to make sense of why I was like this.
Always seeking the wrong kind of reaction. Looking for attention in a way that made everything difficult. From my coach, from my father, and now from Remi.
Attention from women was easy. If I wanted, I could’ve had a different woman in my bed every night, but not long after I got drafted, that felt stale. Ugly. Fake. And I’d had enough of that around the dinner table growing up. Putting on a mask and pretending like everything was okay.
Now a beautiful woman had caught my eye, turned my fucking head, and I was poking and poking and poking at her, tugging on her braids and hoping she’d look my way.
But all I was doing was adding to the weight she already carried.
I felt sick to my stomach, shame turning my skin cold and clammy.
Coach. I could call Coach. He’d listen to me, right? I couldn’t call my father. Didn’t have a mom to ask, because she left him so long ago, not caring enough to take me and Analise with her.
There’d been no one in my life to teach me how to do this shit, but I’d seen Coach with his wife, knew what kind of man he was. What kind of husband and father. He loved them, unreservedly, and didn’t care who saw it. There were no strings to his affection, and that was probably the kind of person I needed to talk to right now.
I stood up and pulled out my phone, ready to search for his contact info, when movement caught my eye in the parking lot.
The dog was sniffing around my truck.
In the light of day, I could finally see him clearly. He had a medium build, mostly black with some brown markings, a hint of white on two of his paws. A Lab mix, or maybe a hound.
I thought about interrupting Remi, but I could hear her on another call. Sitting by the front door was a small bag of hot dog pieces and a simple leash that could be looped around a dog’s neck. She’d set them there just in case anyone saw him.
I took a deep breath and tucked the hot dogs in my pocket, then looped the leash around my hand, cracking the front door just enough that I could slip out without triggering the bell attached to the frame. I kept my steps quiet, steady, but he lifted his head when he saw me.
His eyes were blue.
I slowed, setting the looped end of the leash on the pavement as I kept the other end tight in my grasp. I’d seen Remi do something similar the last time she’d tried to get him to come close, but that time, the blare of a car horn on the street scared him off.
Even though his body language was tense, he didn’t run.
I held eye contact while I eased myself onto the ground. “Nice to finally meet you,” I told him. “You caused one hell of a domino effect in my life.”