“Time-out,” I grumbled. “I’m almost thirty fucking years old and I need to be put in time-out.”
“We all do sometimes.”
“I needher,” I said, only a little petulantly.
“No, you don’t,” Analise pointed out gently. “You want her. The two of you could go your separate ways and you could still live a really fulfilling life.”
Tell that to my heart,I wanted to say. My bruised, battered, self-sabotaging heart that said her name with every weak, sickly beat.
I lowered my voice and closed my eyes. “What’s a fulfilling life, then? Is it making more money than I can spend and coming home to a dark house with no one to share it with? You and I both know what it’s like to live that way, chasing that as your only goal, and it’s so fucking empty.” I opened my eyes, chest heavy with longing as I conjured an image of her face. The shape of her smile. The bright sound of her laughter. “I didn’t feel empty when I was with her. I felt whole.”
“No, it’s not about money.” Analise chewed on her bottom lip. “But every part of our life needs tending if we want to build something good. It isn’t fair for Remi to be the sole carrier of that responsibility. You have friends, if you’d let them be there for you. A team, if you’d let them support you. And me,” she said with a tiny shrug. “You’ve never asked me for advice before. It’s nice to feel like we can help each other, you know?”
A decade more life lived than her and I was cowed into silence by my teenage sister, whose sole relationship experience was watching it play out with fictional people.
I tugged her toward me and wrapped her in a hug. Analise sighed, laying her head on my chest. “How’d you end up with such a good heart, kid? I was not nearly this smart or thoughtful when I was your age.”
Analise lifted her head, an incredulous laugh coming out on a short puff of air. “Because I had you.”
“What?”
“You are such an idiot.” Sympathy filled her gaze, but love was there too. “I turned out this way because I hadyou, Archer. You had no one for a really long time, and it shows. But I had a big brother who loved me exactly the way I was, who listened to me when I was hurting and did everything in his power to make it better. Our father failed at the most important job he’s ever had, but you still gave me that relationship. I know what a good dad should look like, because that’s how you’ve always loved me.”
Evansesdidhumble themselves. And it turned out, as the sneaking burn of tears pressed at the back of my eyes and my chest pinched with unnamed feelings, they humbled each other.
Analise grabbed my face. “He made you think that you need to be perfect all the time, but you don’t. I have never needed that from you, and neither does Remi. Stop acting like that’s your only option—that you do it perfectly or you have no choice but to tear it all down.”
“So what do I do now?” I closed my eyes. “I miss her, Analise. I miss her so much.”
“Then tell her that. Tell her you miss her and you want to talk.”
Slowly, I nodded. “I never ... I never told her how I really felt. That I was falling for her. That I fell in love with her,” I amended. “I fell in love with her and she doesn’t know.”
She grinned. “Don’t drop that on her the moment she answers. Lead into it naturally.”
For the first time all week, I felt something other than sick, heavy dread. The hope that took its place was tentative, but it was there.
“Thank you.” I kissed the top of her head. “Maybe I’ll hire you for pep talks instead.”
“Yeah, right. You couldn’t afford me for that.” She gave me a once-over. “You have your meeting with the judge the day after tomorrow, right?”
I nodded. “I had to write out a statement about what I learned. What the experience meant to me.”
Analise’s eyes glowed. “Sounds like a great thing to invite a friend to, huh? A public forum where you can talk about how and why you’ve changed. Women love a display of personal growth.”
I ruffled her hair, laughing when she smacked at my hand. “She probably knows. I think the shelter has to send a copy of the paperwork to the judge before we meet.”
Analise smiled. “Well. That’s convenient.”
I shook my head and smiled, then told her I needed to get to sleep.
When the sky was black and the house was quiet, I sat in bed and thought about Remi. I was always thinking about Remi, it seemed, and I couldn’t help but wonder when that might change, even if I never saw her again.
I tapped out a few text message options. Just to see how they looked.
I can’t sleep. I keep thinking about you.(Pathetic, vetoed immediately.)
I fucked up. I didn’t want to get hurt and handled it wrong.(Better, but too attention-seeking.)