“Possibly.”
“I guess I find it hard to believe,” he says. “Why would Jen want to punish me? Why would Ethan want to punish you? Wouldn’t that mean, in some way, they’re still hung up on us?They’rethe ones who divorcedus. They shouldn’t give a rat’s ass about our happiness, let alone make an effort to shit on it.”
I sit with that for a minute, staring up at the bottom of the table, the names carved in it—Alex, Ari, Lina, Sophia. More names I don’t know, some I do. A family heirloom, treasured so much, everyone wants to leave their mark on it.
“I think,” I tell him, “even though they’re the ones who ended it with us, that doesn’t mean they stopped feeling anything about us. It just means divorce is how they handled what they felt.”
“So what do I do with that?” Alex asks.
I shrug. “I don’t know. Talk to Jen? Ask what’s going on?”
“She’ll lie,” he says. “She’ll just apologize, say she messed up, and then for a while, she’ll try to be nice, cooperative, communicative. It’s been the pattern. What about you and Ethan?”
“I’m keeping a journal, taking him to my vet friend—she’s on the first floor in my building. She’s been giving Argos regular checkups documenting neglect. It’s not so bad that I’m worried he’s being hurt, but it’s enough that hopefully I’ll have a strong case and a paper trail to eventually shove in Ethan’s face when I say he has to give me the dog, or I’ll report him for animal cruelty.”
“Damn, Ted, well done.”
I smile, but it’s sad, and it fades fast.
“Yeah,” I tell Alex. “I think maybe it’s time for us to punish them a little, too.”
“Ted,” he says warily. “I don’t want to play Jen’s game, if that’s what she’s at. I don’t want that to happen to Mia any more than it already possibly has or will in the future.”
“I know.” I nestle into him, tracing with my finger a heart over his heart, again and again. Telling him I love him,reallylove him, in this way that I can.
“I do want to punish them,” I say quietly, angrily.
I know my anger is bigger than our exes; it isn’t all their fault, by a long shot, but it feels sogoodto have someone to blame, someone to point the finger at. Divorce has made me doubt myself, doubt love, doubt people’s goodness. It’s made me feel broken and skittish and bitter. Not always, not even most of the timeanymore, but it’s still there, lying in wait. When that wound is jabbed just right, it hurts terribly, and I want a guilty party for the sharp, bruising pain.
I want someone to blame for why I’m so scared to grab the love that’s in front of me. And I know, even while I crave a villain, it doesn’t matter who gets or takes the blame for my pain; it matters that I deal with it. It’s up to me, to heal myself.
“I want to punish them,” I say again, softer, calmer, “by being even better best friends than they are romantic partners. I want to outlove thehellout of them.”
Alex is quiet for a minute, then he says, “What if… we’re just the best of friends we can be to each other, because that’s whatwewant to be. Maybe that’s the best revenge of all—letting go of the need for it.”
My heart clutches. “You are wise, Alex Bruscato. And I don’t like it.”
“Sometimes.” I hear the smile in his voice. He presses a gentle kiss to my hair. “And yes you do. You like my rare bouts of wisdom. And you like me.”
I squeeze him hard. “I do.”
“Even with my Tom Selleck mustache?”
I peer up at him. “Maybeespeciallywith your Tom Selleck mustache?”
A laugh rumbles in his throat, shaking his chest and me, too. “I know I already said it,” he tells me quietly, “but I sounded like a munchkin when I did, so I’d like to say it again.” His thumb sweeps tenderly down my cheek. “Happy Friendiversary, Ted. Divorce is the worst fucking thing that’s happened to me, but it gave me the best thing in life, besides Mia… you.”
I smile as I blink away tears.
“I’m real lucky,” he says.
“I am, too,” I tell him. “Happy Friendiversary, Alex. I honestly can’t imagine life without you, and I never want to. Cheers to a year spent being the best of friends, and to another ahead, being even better ones.”
He smiles, his gaze tender. “Cheers to that.”
So that’s what we do, for a whole year, spend it as the best of friends.
Onlyfriends.