I manage a laugh, but my mind is elsewhere. On Ivy. On the way she looked at me. On the years between then and now that I can't get back.
My phone buzzes again. This time it's a text from an unknown number.
Unknown:Hey! Heard you're the new transfer. Welcome to Thornhill. Party at Alpha Sig tonight if you want to meet people. - Dylan
Dylan must be one of the orientation leaders from earlier. The friendly one who kept trying to engage me in conversation while I was focused entirely on Ivy.
Me:Thanks. Might stop by.
I won't. I'm not here to party or make friends. I'm here to?—
To what? Fix things with Ivy? She made it clear today that's impossible. She hates me. Has every right to hate me and I'm too much of a coward to tell her the truth about why I did what I did.
So what's my plan? Torture myself by being near her? Watch her thrive without me? Prove to myself that I made the right choice by sacrificing our friendship for her safety?
"You look like you're having an existential crisis," Marcus observes. "Want to grab dinner? I know a good place off campus."
"Sure. Yeah. That sounds good."
We head out, and Marcus fills the silence with easy conversation. He's a good guy. The type who makes friends effortlessly, sees the best in people. Everything I'm not.
Over burgers at a local dive, he asks about my major, my plans, what I want to do after graduation. Standard questions. I give standard answers.
"What about you?" I ask. "What's your story?"
"Not much of one. Family legacy, big dreams, working my ass off to make something of myself." He takes a drink. "Oh, and I'm on the business fraternity board. Not a real frat, just the professional one. We do networking stuff, case competitions. You should check it out."
"Maybe."
"There's this girl on the board, Ivy Chen. Total powerhouse. Smart as hell, doesn't take shit from anyone. You'd like her."
I nearly choke on my burger.
"Ivy Chen?"
"Yeah, you know her?"
"We're from the same hometown."
"No shit? Small world." Marcus grins. "Then you know she's incredible. Half the guys on campus have tried to date her. She shuts them all down. Rumor is she's got walls so high you'd need climbing gear."
"Is that right?"
"Yeah. But she's cool once you get to know her. Loyal to her friends, helps underclassmen, actually cares about the work we do. She's doing some capstone project this semester, something about socioeconomic barriers in entrepreneurship. It's impressive as hell."
Of course she is. Of course she's thriving, achieving, becoming exactly the person I always knew she could be and I have no right to be proud of her. No right to feel anything except the guilt that's been eating me alive for three years.
"You okay?" Marcus asks. "You got weird when I brought up Ivy."
"Fine. Just thinking about a paper I need to write."
"Yeah, I feel that. The first week back always hits differently." He stands. "Come on. Let me show you the library before it closes. You'll basically live there by October."
We walk back to campus, Marcus pointing out various buildings and shortcuts. When we pass Sterling Hall, I see a group of students on the steps.
Ivy's there.
She's laughing at something one of her friends said, her whole face transforms when she laughs. Open, genuine, beautiful.