She's always been worth it and maybe, eventually, I'll be worth her too.
Chapter 11
Ivy
The restof the semester is strange. It’s been a few weeks since I’ve spoken to Ethan.
Ethan did exactly what he promised. Backed off completely. Different coffee shop, different library hours, sits in the front row of Business Strategy instead of behind me.
Our weekly project meetings are professional and brief. He does his work, I do mine. We coordinate through email with minimal personal interaction.
It's what I asked for. What I demanded.
So why does it feel wrong?
"You're thinking about him again," Lennox observes one night in November. We're in my room, supposedly studying, but I've been staring at the same page for twenty minutes.
"I'm not?—"
"You are. You've got that look. Confused and annoyed and something else."
"I don't have a look."
Isla laughs from her spot on my bed. "You definitely have a look and it's the same look you get every time Ethan's name comes up."
"Which is often," Lennox adds. "Because you bring him up. A lot."
Do I? Maybe I do.
"It's just weird," I say. "He's actually keeping his promise. Being respectful. Giving me space. And it's..."
"Making you realize you might actually miss his attention?" Isla suggests gently.
"No. Maybe. I don't know." I close my textbook in frustration. "It's easier when he was being an asshole. I knew how to feel about that, but now he's being exactly what I asked for, and I keep thinking about that night. About what he told me."
"About his parents threatening your family?"
I'd told them everything. The ultimatum, the threats, his confession. They'd listened without judgment, letting me process.
"And about him loving me. Apparently since we were twelve."
"Which you didn't know," Lennox says.
"Which I didn't know. I thought we were just friends. Best friends."
"Were you though?" Isla asks. "Just friends? Or were you in love with him too and just didn't realize it?"
The question stops me cold.
Was I in love with Ethan?
I think about those years. How I felt when he smiled at me. How jealous I got when he talked to other girls. How I saved up for months to buy that dress for winter formal because I wanted him to see me as more than just his best friend.
"Oh my god," I whisper. "I was in love with him."
"And?" Lennox prompts.
"And I still am. Fuck. I'm still in love with him."