I can't explain why without sounding pathetic. But I think you know anyway.
Marcus asked me what I'm doing here. At Thornhill. What my endgame is.
I told him I'm trying to fix something I broke.
But the truth is more complicated than that.
I'm not here to fix anything. I'm here because being near you—even when you hate me—is better than being somewhere you're not.
That's pathetic. I know it's pathetic.
But it's the truth.
And truth is something I should have given you a long time ago.
-E
I save the letter with the others. Dozens of them now. Hundreds of pages of confessions that will never be sent.
My penance for being a coward.
My phone buzzes again. This time it's my father.
Dad:Your mother tells me you turned down a social engagement. This is exactly the behavior we warned you about. You're at Thornhill to make connections, not to isolate yourself.
I stare at the text, anger building in my chest. How did they find out so fast?
They have no idea. No idea what they cost me. What their threats and control and impossible standards have done.
And they never will.
Because telling them would require admitting that I regret the choice I made. That I would choose differently now if I could and that admission would give them power I'm not willing to concede.
I turn off my phone without responding.
Tomorrow I have to face Ivy in class again. I have to sit behind her and watch her be brilliant and untouchable. Have to continue this performance of indifference while drowning in feelings I can't express.
But tonight, in the privacy of my dorm room, I let myself admit the truth.
I'm still in love with Ivy Chen. I've been in love with her since we were twelve years old.
And seeing her every day, knowing she hates me, knowing I destroyed any chance we had, it's killing me slowly.
But I can't leave.
Can't give up.
Can't accept that this is how our story ends.
So I'll keep showing up. Keep sitting behind her in class. Keep finding excuses to be near her. Keep hoping that someday, somehow, she'll let me explain.
Let me apologize properly.
Let me show her that the person who hurt her has been drowning in regret every day since.
It's pathetic.
But it's all I have and I'll cling to it for as long as she lets me. For as long as I can stand the pain of being near her but not really with her.