“I’m lucky too.”
“You may not say that after this week,” I said. After nonstop hassling from Mike about when he was gonna get to officially meet Reid, I’d finally relented, and to my surprise, Reid had jumped at the idea. Mike was bringing Deb, and I had no doubt those two would get on with him like a house on fire. But still, Mike was enough to run anyone off if they weren’t planted firmly enough.
“Have I mentioned I can’t wait to meet your friends?”
“They’re excited to meet you too. But I’m still apologizing in advance for Mike’s mouth.”
“He doesn’t scare me.”
“He should. Hell, he scares me.”
Reid laughed as we climbed back into bed, the conversation fading into languid kisses as we draped ourselves over each other and settled into a peaceful quiet, the kind that came before sleep. But as the minutes passed, and despite Reid’s comment about being tired, he seemed unable to rest. I could practically hear his mind going a mile a minute beside me, and I untangled myself from him and faced him on my side.
“What usually wakes you?” I said. “When it’s bad?”
He was quiet for a long time, and that alone told me I’d hit the nail on the head. “The doctor said they’re panic attacks. Sometimes they hit so hard I think I’m gonna die.”
“What does it feel like?”
“It feels like someone is sitting on my chest, crushing my lungs, and I have this feeling of… It’s hard to explain.” I waited as he searched for the words. “Doom, maybe? Emptiness? Fear? With dreams, I can’t tell what’s real and what’s not. Am I remembering things that happened, or are they made up? I think maybe that’s the scariest part. Feeling like I have no sense of reality. I’m pretty sure that’s what triggers the attacks.”
My heart clenched for the struggle he went through, even after all this time. He put on a brave face, but inside he wasterrified. There was no telling if or when the panic would ever go away, if he’d ever remember, but none of it was within my control. All I could do was be there. Be the anchor he needed to the real world.
As if he was reading my mind, he said, “But I don’t feel that way when I’m with you. It all goes away. You seem to…ground me…somehow.” Then he lifted up onto his elbows. “I can’t imagine that what I had before could’ve been anywhere as amazing as what I have now. Even with the holes, the panic attacks, the frustration…it almost feels like I have a clean slate. Does that make sense? Like it doesn’t matter what happened before, and now I can figure out what I like, what I don’t like…what I love.”
A surge of heat flooded my belly, but I wasn’t about to let myself read into his words. Instead, I said, “I’d help you remember. If that’s what you wanted.”
“I don’t know. Part of me wants to know who I am…who I was before my accident. But what if I don’t like who I was?”
I shook my head. “That’s impossible.”
“Why?”
“Because I was drawn to you.” A smile crept across his face, and I kissed him. “So, see? You couldn’t have been that bad.”
“Maybe.” He laid his head on my shoulder. “Can we just stay like this instead?”
“In bed? Naked?”
“Mmm. Those things too.”
I curled my arm protectively around him, wanting to shield him from the nightmares, the emptiness he felt. Wishing I could give him back the missing pieces. How would that change him? Change us? And would I do it if it meant I could lose him? He’d become such an integral part of my life in such a short amount of time that the thought of being without him was unbearable. Unthinkable.
I tried not to dwell on those thoughts, distracting myself by kissing the top of his head and trailing my fingers along his spine. His body began to relax, and soon, sleep overtook him again.
But I stayed awake, the silence I’d once enjoyed now deafening in his absence.
fourteen
“IT’S JUST ME,” Reid called out as he shut my front door the next day after I’d gotten home from work.
I put a pan of lean ground beef on the stove to brown and then began to separate the chunks with a wooden spoon. “Hey, I’m in the kitchen.”
Reid rounded the corner, and it never failed that as soon as he came into any room I was in, his face lit up and a wide smile crossed his lips. And it wasn’t a friendlyhey, how are yasmile, at least not anymore. It was an expression saved solely for me, and with the way my stomach unleashed wild butterflies every time I saw him, I knew that feeling wouldn’t be going away anytime soon.
Mine,I thought, as Reid strolled over and planted a lingering kiss on my lips.All mine.
“You look handsome in an apron,” he said, fingering the strap around my neck. I never wore one, but when I’d been out picking up the food for tonight, I’d seen the stack ofKiss the Chefaprons and hadn’t been able to resist. Any reason to get Reid’s lips on mine.