That trip to Kaeng Krachan National Park. Camping. Playing in the showers at the campground. The caves.
My eyes lock with his. “You disappeared that day when we were camping. Pah didn’t know where you were.”
Sud nods slowly. “Yes. But I was okay. I was with Mae. And I’m right here with you now,” Sud assures me. “Take a deep breath and let it out.”
I try, but I can’t. Instead of slowing down, my breathing turns into fast pants. Now that I remember, I have to talk about it. “That day at Kaeng Krachan. Pah took us to the caves, and you disappeared. I tried to find you, but…but you’d left me.” My heart’s thumping hard. I press my hand to my chest.
“Easy, Noi. Feel my heart.” He takes my hand and places the palm over the left side of his chest. I concentrate on the beats of his as beneath my other palm my heart races out of control.
Sud continues, “I went back to the campground with Mae. Pah just didn’t get the message. You went looking for me in the woods, and the ranger had to go after you. When he found you, you were hysterical.”
As the memories flood back, tears blur my vision, and I cover my face with my hands.
“It’s okay,” Sud says, pulling me into his arms. He’s warm from sleep and smells of home, and I cling to him.
“You left like they did,” I say, feeling the desolation all over again. “Just like my mother and father. No one wants to be with me.” A sob dislodges from my chest. Deep down, the adult me knows that Mae, Pah, Ten, and Sud love me. But the little boy inside me who was rejected by his parents refuses to believe it.
“Mee Noi? What’s wrong?”
I barely hear Mae’s words through my own brokenhearted sobs. Clutching at Sud as though I’m lost at sea and he’s my only lifeline, I cry into his shoulder.
“Sud?” Pah sounds upset. I don’t want him to be, but I’m not in control anymore. Shaking, I sob until I make myself sick and start heaving. Someone shoves a small trash can under my face and I lose the contents of my stomach in it.
“He had a nightmare,” Sud says, stroking my hair as I wretch into the trashcan. “He remembered that day.”
I start to sit back only to surge forward again, vomiting until I can’t anymore. Finally, I sag back into Sud’s arms, exhausted, my head pounding.
“Mee Noi? Can I get you anything?” Mae asks softly.
I shake my head and wince because it hurts. “Dark,” I say.
“The light hurts his eyes,” Sud says, voice rumbling through his chest where my cheek rests.
Someone switches off the globe lamp. Sud stretches out, back against the pillows with me lying against him. I close my eyes, and a sigh escapes my lips followed by a hiccup.
“He said everyone leaves him.” Sud says quietly.
“Oh, Mee Noi.” I feel Mae’s gentle touch on my shoulder. “We’ll never leave you. You’re ours, don’t you know that?”
The bed dips behind me and Pah’s hand cups my shoulder. “Mee Noi, I will never let anyone harm you, Son.”
Their words mean everything to me, but I can’t stay awake.
***
The sun falls at a slant through my bedroom window, its rays heating the skin on my bare foot. I judge it to be around two in the afternoon. How did I sleep so late? Blinking, the events of the night slowly come back to me. I’m alone, but the door stands open and, far away, I can hear the sounds of clinking dishware downstairs.
Abruptly, I sit up. Pah was supposed to take us back to Bangkok this morning! We’re going to be late!
Scrambling out of bed, I change into a pair of jeans and a shirt and run down the stairs, calling for Sud.
I trip at the bottom of the steps and am about to land on my face, but Mae catches me.
“Mee Noi, are you okay?”
“We’re late! Khun Intapong wanted us at the studio by noon!”
“Calm down,” Mae says soothingly. “Your Pah took Sud back. He spoke with your producer this morning and told her you’d fallen ill but he could bring you back tomorrow. Sud is going to film what he can today.”