“No, he hasn’t. He tried to deny it, but I’m pretty sure our kiss in the audition was his first.”
“I was afraid of as much.”
“What do you mean? He didn’t mind doing it. It went fine, and I told you before that he’s the one who insisted we needed to do it for the audition. And we’ve had to kiss a lot more since then.”
“I’m just afraid he’ll bury his feelings. You know, act like he’s fine all the time when, really, this is a lot.”
“I know, but I think it’s going okay.”
“You know he’s always worshipped you, Sud.”
“I think Noi sees me pretty realistically, actually. He recently told me I act like a three-year-old kid.”
That makes Pah laugh. I go on to tell him about Noi’s method acting and about the day he had the panic attack. I’m not surprised that it worries him, but I can’t keep it from him.
“It’s okay. We made up quickly.”
“You and Mee Noi are exceptionally close. You’ve been there for each other through thick and thin.” Pah pauses. “Mee Noi may not be dating, but he’s bound to be sexually aware now, what if he—“
“Stop right there,” I say. “That is not happening.”
“How do you know, Sud? You aren’t in his head. Mee Noi isn’t like you. He’s much more sensitive. I’m just giving you a gentle reminder to stay aware of his feelings, that’s all. Actors catch feelings for each other all the time due to the way they have to embody their characters.”
“I’m always aware of his feelings,” I say. “And, anyway. I think Mee Noi has a boyfriend.”
Pah is silent a moment before saying, “A boyfriend? Really?”
“Yeah. There’s this guy a year ahead of us who obviously likes him, and I’m pretty sure they’ve gone out a few times.”
“Why don’t you know for sure? Doesn’t Mee Noi talk to you?”
“We’ve always drawn a line about discussing our relationships. At least, Noi’s drawn a line. He’s not comfortable with it. Honestly, I’m not sure I am, either.”
Pah hums to himself. I quickly change the subject to lighter things, and we talk for a while longer before I give an excuse for needing to hang up.
Chapter Nineteen: Mee Noi
Iam so screwed. Since filming the love scene, I can’t stop thinking about the idea of me and Sud together.Like that.As lovers. In real life, not just on camera. I seem to have sped past theAm I gaystage and zoomed right into theI want to date my best friendstage. But what is Sud thinking? Probably nothing. I’ve got this raging battle going on inside of me while Sud’s just living his life, completely oblivious.
I tell myself daily how pathetic I am to be feeling these things just because Sud and I are acting in a romantic series together. Is that all it takes for me to fall for someone?
Bua and Sud were right. P’Wisitisinterested in me. The messages he leaves on Instagram make it pretty plain, as did his actions when we went to the night market. At one point, he tried to hold my hand, but I slipped out of his grip on the pretense of pretending to be interested in something at one of the stalls. I managed to avoid having any kind of serious moment with him for fear he would confess. But I couldn’t avoid him afterthat. He’s too nice, and I hate making people feel bad. He isn’t pressuring me, but sometimes I wish he would so I could just get it over with and turn him down. Maybe he understands about the ship thing with Sud and doesn’t want to rock our professional boat or something.
P’Wisit is not only nice, he’s also very handsome. I could see myself being attracted to him if I wasn’t so hung up on Sud.
I cringe when I think of the day Sud figures out my change in feelings toward him. He’s going to be so weirded out.
The end of the school term brought an unexpected change. I found out that the university has a rule that students can’t stay in the dorm during the break between years. They have to pack up and leave their rooms and be assigned a new dorm room at the beginning of the following school year. Sud’s parents would have told me about it if they’d known, but with Sud in an apartment and not the dormitory, they didn’t receive the information. My parents probably knew because they get the bills and letters from the university, but did they bother to inform me about it? No. Who cares if I wind up without a place to stay?
The summer after high school graduation, I overheard Pah on the phone with my father, proposing that he take on responsibility for my university studies, both financially and personally. I couldn’t believe my ears. Why would Sud’s father want to take on the financial strain of another child? He is a popular actor and isn’t hurting for money, but my father, who owns several companies in the food and beverage industry, far exceeds him in wealth. When I realized that Pah was doing it for me—because he knew how much it hurt me to continue to have ties to two people who obviously don’t love me—I broke down in tears.
Sud found me in the treehouse Pah built for us when we were young. I tried to hide that I’d been crying, but it was useless. Sud was and still is a touchy-feely person, and I love that because,before I knew him, I didn’t get much affection. Wrapping his arms around me, Sud told me he was sorry that my parents weren’t better to me.
When I think about that moment now, my heart fills with love for him. I have to get my mind off him or I’ll burst. So, I throw myself into cleaning the apartment I now share with Bua and her friend Peach, who made plans a long time ago for the break between semesters and, when they found out I had nowhere to go, immediately invited me to live with them.
Of course, when Sud learned about my situation, he wanted me to stay with him at his apartment. There isn’t a bedroom to spare, but he argued that I could share with him. It was tempting, but just like when we prepared for university, something told me that living with Sud would be a bad idea. Now that we were a shipped couple at Rainbow TV, Iknowit would be. Sleeping beside him every night when I’m having these new thoughts about him? No way.
My room in Bua and Peach’s apartment isn’t much bigger than a large closet, but I don’t mind. I have privacy and a place for all my things, and that’s all I need.