Sawyer always told me I didn’t know how to mind my own business and that I needed to stop trying to fix everything for everyone.
But Sawyer also said I was ugly and stupid, so honestly, screw his opinion.
“Well, I’ll keep it a secret,” I said. “Thanks for telling me.”
She sighed. “You’re a bit of a punching bag, aren’t you?”
“Huh?”
“I told you off yesterday at the Birdhouse, and I keep snapping at you, but you keep lining up to be sweet to me.”
I stared straight ahead, out the windshield and up the wooded street that led towards Daniela’s place, before finally, I said, “Okay, first of all, I literally slapped you in the face and you keep coming back, so who’s the punching bag now, Jade?”
She laughed, short and off-guard. “Okay,” she said. “I don’t have a defense for that one. You win. Guess I’m just… confused why you do it. I, er… sorry about being rude last night. I’ve just been under a lot of stress lately and in a bad mood at everyone. No reason to take it out on you, though.”
My chest swelled, and I gripped the wheel tighter. Oh, Jesus. I didn’t know why I was having this much of a reaction, but it was getting embarrassing. “It’s not a problem,” I said, and my voice wobbled. Jesus, was I crying?
“Are you sure?” she said after a loaded pause. “You sound a little like it’s a problem.”
“I just… sorry, I just… um…” I laughed through the thick feeling in my throat. I was fully crying now, tears hot on my cheeks, and I shook my head, trying to push the feelings away. “Well, you know me. I just hit a tree.”
“Don’t say that,” she laughed. “I’m obligated to report it if you do.”
“I’m just—not used to—” I pulled into Daniela’s driveway, and I parked in front of her house—not a moment too soon, getting to wipe tears off my face. “Sorry. Jesus, this is really embarrassing. This isn’t what you need right now.”
“Hey. Easy. I just offloaded my shit on you, you have every right to do the same.”
I laughed, wiping my face again. “Sorry. It’s really not about you. I don’t even know why I’m crying. I just… it’s silly, I think.”
“If it makes you feel like that, it’s real, no matter what it is. It’s the feeling that’s real, isn’t it?”
I took a long, shaky breath, gripping the wheel tightly, and after a long pause, I nodded. “I… guess so. I think it’s just… well. I don’t want to be here whining about my ex.”
“Whine away,” she said. “Can’t be worse than sawing his dick off.”
I snorted. “Okay, point taken. I guess he just… he wouldn’t have apologized.” My voice fell off to something small and quiet, the words barely making it out, and she responded only just above a whisper.
“Ah. I think I get it.”
“I mean, I’m not perfect either, and I wasn’t—”
“Alyssa, you don’t need to defend him.”
“I wasn’t…” I frowned. I mean, I guess I was defending him.
She was quiet for a second before she said, “I’m glad you got away from that.”
It felt like something pierced through my chest, and I crumpled a little, still gripping my hands on the wheel. “I… was wondering earlier today if I made the right choice,” I said thinly. “It’s scary, you know? Getting up and running away from everything like that.”
“I get that,” she said softly. “But you have to choose to put yourself first, too, sometimes. Have to be willing to bump into people. Hurt them without trying to. Or else you’ll disappear.”
“Jade…”
I jumped when someone tapped on my window, and I swear to God, I backhanded the window the same way I had when it had been Jade’s face outside the window. Thank Christ the window was shut this time. Thecrackof my ring against the window still rang through the car, and Jade’s voice was concerned. “Alyssa?” she said. “Are you okay?”
“Sorry, just—” Daniela’s face outside the window, smiling confusedly at me. “I just got back, so I gotta go. But—um—thank you. A lot, actually. For texting. And calling. And talking. I gotta—”
“See you,” she laughed, and she hung up, sparing me the misery of trying to figure out how to end a conversation while my brain was in thirty places at once. I thanked her silently before I shut off the car, opening the door.