Because they’d been as pissed as I was.
“It was Halloween; I’d not long passed my driving test and reckoned I was invincible. I was eighteen. Cormac, my brother, was just seventeen. People mistook us for twins all the time. He was a sweet, harmless kid, and I’d have sold my soul to exchange places with him.” I wiped the corner of my eye, ridding myself of the tears that threatened to betray me.
“You don’t have to tell me, Killian.”
“I do.” I looked over at him. He’d gone through so much himself, and he’d told me it all. Now, it was my turn.
“I’m listening.”
“Cormac had got off with a girl, I don’t remember her name now, but he was all over her. The next thing I know, a giant of a guy was pulling him off her, telling him to leave his girlfriend alone. If I’d seen who she was, I’d have pulled Cormac off her myself. I knew who her man was, and even I wouldn’t have fought him. The guy was threatening all kinds of things, so I knew I had to get Cormac out of there. We’d both been drinking, but I crazily thought I was sober enough to drive, and the journey home would take five minutes tops.”
I closed my eyes. The smell of burnt rubber, petrol, and burning filled my nose as if I were back there, suffering through it over again.
I’d known the minute I woke up and looked over at Cormac that he’d gone. A massive bloody gash on his head, his eyes wide open, staring at me, judging me. I’d never fucking forget it for the rest of my life.
“Then what happened?” Harvey’s soft voice was closer now, and I opened my eyes. He was right next to me, his hand resting on my arm.
I sighed. “It’d rained earlier; the roads were slick. There was a pretty dangerous bend, and I knew the minute I hit it we were going too fast. The car skidded, and we slid into a telegraph pole. It hit the passenger side. Cormac didn’t stand a chance.”
“And what about you? Were you hurt?”
“Not a fucking scratch. Made it all the worse. Cormac was the youngest, the favourite, the one who was going to make something of himself, not like me. All I wanted to do was sing. I never wanted to do anything else. My parents stopped talking to me after that, but to be fair, I didn’t give them a reason to.”
“What did you do?”
“I drank. Heavily. Anything to get rid of the images, the smells, the silence. No one talks about the silence after a car accident. You’d think there’d be shouting, but it’s deathly quiet. Just the hiss of the car’s radiator and the quiet crackle from the radio.”
I put my hands over my ears.
“I’m so sorry, Killian. That couldn’t have been easy for you.”
I took a deep breath and dropped my hands. “I left for England shortly after the funeral. So many people attended, and every one of them looked at me with disgust. I realised then I’d never be able to stay. My heart was already broken from his passing; I beat myself up daily, knowing it was my fault. I didn’t need their recriminations, too.”
I barely remembered the ferry crossing, drunk again as usual. “For the next few years, I lived in a fucking shite bedsit with a group of druggies. It was where I got the habit. I lost track of time. One year became two, then three. Every morning, I was surprised to wake up, not really wanting to. I overdosed a couple of times, tried to get clean, but within a couple of months, I was back on it. I kept falling back in with the same crowd until I met Seth.”
He frowned but motioned for me to carry on.
“He saved me in more ways than one. We fell into an unsteady relationship, both of us relying on each other for support, physically and emotionally. We kind of fell out last week. I don’t blame him for that. He wanted more than I could ever give him.”
Honestly, the past twelve years of my life had been lived in squalor, bunking in dirty bedsits. I wasn’t sure Harvey was ready for that.
I faked a yawn. “Fuck, Harvey. I don’t know about you, but I’m knackered. Would you mind if we called it a night?”
“Of course not. Sometimes, when we’re dredging up old feelings and emotions, it can be exhausting. Let me show you to your room.”
I followed him up a narrow set of stairs and onto a small landing.
He pointed to a door on the left. “Bathroom. This room in front is mine, and the one off to the right is the spare room. Like I said, the bed’s already made up. There are clean towels in the airing cupboard in the bathroom. I just need to lock up downstairs.”
“You’re a fucking legend, Harv. I can’t thank you enough.”
“It’s my pleasure.”
I opened the bedroom door. It was compact and cosy. There was a blue cover on the bed, curtains already drawn. I pressed down on the bed. Definitely more comfortable than the one at home. I couldn’t wait to get it in it.
I quickly undressed down to my boxers and slid beneath the cool covers. Fuck, yes. It was like lying on a cloud. I closed my eyes and drifted off.
Fuck, I should have gone for a piss before I got in, and now it was all I could think about. Could I just lie here and ignore it?