Thank fuck. The screen was still intact, but there was no reply from Killian.
For fuck’s sake, Harvey. You only just pressed send.
I rubbed my chest, an automatic gesture I used to ease my discomfort, and took another deep breath.
He’d probably say no. Why would he say yes? God, I hoped he said yes.
But what if he did? What would happen then? Jesus fucking Christ, I was overthinking this, having another man in the house – alone.
No, it was all wrong. I couldn’t do it.
Killian: I’d love to. 7 ok?
Was it? It wasn’t too late to call it off, was it?
Breathe, Harvey. Take a minute to breathe. Think. Is this what you want?
Shit. Shit. Shit. What had I done?
I’d asked a friend to dinner. That was it. It didn’t ever have to be more than that.How would your parents or Grandma react if they knew you’d shut yourself away from the world after they’d died?
They’d have been mortified. Sad.
I shook my head. I’d had years of therapy, trying to come to terms with who I was. It wasn’t an easy fix. It may never be fixed, but I owed it to them to try.
Harvey: 7 is good. You got my address? Any allergies?
Killian: I do and screaming kids, lol
Well, there were none of those here, so that was good at least.
For the first time in a long time, a lightness filled me. I had a friend, and that friend was coming to dinner. I’d need to make a list, get something good to eat. I’d need drinks, too, but hadn’t he said he was off alcohol? He’d drunk lime and soda yesterday. I could get some of that. Maybe a fancy sparkling juice. That’d be a good shout.
My heart raced, not from anxiety, but from excitement. When was the last time I genuinely felt like this? Not for four years at least, but even before my parents died, I’d never experienced this. It was new. It was exhilarating. Gone was the apathy I’d worn like a shroud for most of the day, replaced with, dare I say it, happiness.
Done with moping, I hopped off the sofa and threw on some clothes. I grabbed my keys and phone, and with a lilt in my step, headed to the nearest supermarket. Not even the horizontal rain could dull my mood.
I breezed around the store and filled my trolley with enough food to feed a family of four for a week. The difficult part would be deciding what to cook for him.
I’d planned a meal fit for a king. Okay, that was a stretch. Homemade shepherd’s pie with vegetables, and a ready-made sticky toffee pudding with a carton of custard.
I looked at the bags of groceries on the floor. What on earth was I going to do with all that? At least I’d eat well for a while.
Even though I had the whole of tomorrow to prepare everything, on Friday evening, I couldn’t settle. I logged into my favourite game and sat to concentrate on the screen in front of me.
I might not have been good at interacting with people in the flesh, but I had online gaming friends. It was impersonal, and at least we had something in common. I played all night until finally, exhausted, I fell into bed at six a.m.
I slept for a couple of hours and woke in a blind panic. What the hell had I done? I placed my hand on my chest, the thump of my heart racing beneath my ribs.
Deep, steady breaths; in, out. In, out. In, out. Finally, my heart rate returned to normal.
There was only one thing for it. I should cancel. I couldn’t go through with it.
I knew the moment he entered my domain, I’d be doomed. There’d be nowhere in the house I didn’t picture him. Not that he’d be coming upstairs, but once he stepped foot in the house, that would be it. I’d have no sanctuary, no place untouched by others.
I hated to do this, but Julie had said I could call and leave a message. Even if she didn’t answer, I could voice my feelings, and hopefully, it might settle.
She answered on the second ring.