I knew how she felt, but I didn’t feel comfortable sharing my feelings with her.
“So, if it’s okay with you guys, I’ll sing another, and then one of you lovely lot can give it a go.”
The Irish accent rolled off his tongue, even more melodic than the song he’d sung.Could he be any more perfect?
The next song was unfamiliar to me, but I listened intently, lost in his voice. The tendons in his tanned arms moved as he stroked the guitar strings. Oh, how I would have loved to be one, feeling the calluses that would be there, but I pushed the notion away.
It wasn’t right to have such thoughts, and I closed my eyes, my fingers itching to do something, anything to stop the crawling sensation beneath my skin. Clenching and unclenching my fists, I slowed my breathing, trying to get a hold of myself before I did something stupid.
Pulling the sleeves of my jacket down, I grasped the edges in my hands, shielding my palms from my sharp fingernails. I had another session with my therapist the following day, where I’d confess my sins to the face on my computer screen.
But first, I had to get through the night. That would be the hard thing, knowing I’d harboured impure thoughts about the man occupying the stage.
The song finished, and rapturous applause rang out, filling the small setting.
“Not sure how anyone will top that,” Ed shouted above the noise. Even he joined in, but I was too intent on my inner musings.
It was time for me to leave. I’d done my bit for the day. I’d eaten the cake, mumbled through Happy Birthday, and made it to the pub for a celebratory drink. More than I’d managed in a month of Sundays.
I drained my glass and stood, reaching across Ed to grab my backpack.
“You can’t go yet. The night’s still young.”
“I… I have to get home.” I couldn’t stand another minute in here. My skin tingled, and sweat trickled down my back. The first signs. Next would be the breathlessness, followed by a full-blown panic attack.
“I get it,” Sally said, her face filled with pity. “We’ll see you tomorrow.”
“But…” Ed started.
“Let him go. You’ve got me to keep you company for the rest of the night.” She sidled up next to him and placed a delicate hand on his thigh.
I mouthed a thank you and slung my bag over one shoulder before heading out the door and into the fresh night air. Autumn was on its way, but the warmer temperatures refused to let go, leaving us with an unseasonably warm October.
Close quarters and crowded rooms. I hated them both, and while I tried to avoid them, sometimes it just wasn’t possible. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, filling my lungs.
Hold for three, then release.
Hold for three, release.
I did it three times more, necessary exercises to soothe the anxiety threatening to overtake me.
“I know panic breathing when I see it.” I turned sharply towards the voice and almost overbalanced.
Killian leant against the wall; the orange glow of a cigarette held between his thumb and fingertips.
I tracked it as he brought it to his lips and sucked in a breath, the tip bright beneath the streetlight.
“Do you want one?” He offered it to me, and I shook my head.
“I don’t smoke, but thanks.” I’d never been tempted. Well, that was a lie. I’d tried it once, then promptly thrown up, never touching another.
I’d been about sixteen. Mum had smelt it on me, and I’d broken down and admitted it. She said it would teach me a lesson, and it had.
But here, standing in front of the handsome man, I was tempted to take it up if only to place my lips around the cigarette butt his had graced.
My skin crawled again, an unconscious response to my thoughts.
No, I wouldn’t give them airtime. They should be tucked away in the recesses of my mind, never to see the light of day. Thoughts like that led to punishment.