Overwhelming anxiety filled me, like an elephant was sitting on my chest. I closed my eyes, barely able to fill my lungs, and my fingers tingled. What was I doing here?
Breathe, Harvey. What’s the worst that could happen?
I could crash and burn or make a complete fool of myself. I didn’t do this; this wasn’t me. What if he saw me for what I really was? An introverted gay man in denial.
Wow, Julie would be proud. I used the word ‘gay’ in connection to myself, something I never did. Freak, abomination, deviant, sinner. I used all of those. Gay was a word reserved for others, not me.
I jumped as his gentle hand on my shoulder brought me out of my head and back to the present.
“Just breathe, Harvey. Everything will be grand.”
Easy for him to say. I took a deep breath while my heart returned to something akin to normal.
“Tea, and I got you a piece of chocolate cake. It looks fucking incredible.” He set them down and took the stool next to me, his knee touching mine.
I clenched my jaw, unsure how to react. Should I move it? Leave it where it was?
I was in unknown territory.
“Now, how are you feeling today?” He took a sip of his coffee.
“Better than last night.”
“That bruise is a cracker. Does it hurt?”
I watched, speechless, as he took a bite of his brownie and licked the crumbs from his full lips.
What was it he said? Fuck, I was staring.
“Um, yeah, a little.” I touched my cheek again. It was still sore and would be for a few days at least.
He gulped his coffee. Why was watching him so beguiling? My attraction towards him was nothing like I’d experienced before. A pull, a tug in my chest. I glanced away and concentrated on my slice of cake.
“So, what happened last night? Who was the guy with you?”
“Ed? We work together. Sally is his girlfriend, I suppose now, and Vivian tagged along.”
“Double date?” He continued to eat the brownie as if he’d not eaten for days, barely chewing one mouthful before he took another bite.
“No. No double date.” I picked at the cake on my plate, not really hungry.
“She was a good-looking woman. You could do worse.”
“She’s um.” Fuck, just say it, Harvey. “She’s, um, not my type?”
“Let me guess. You like them blonde and leggy.” He cackled and took another swig of coffee. “Ignore me, I’m just teasing ya.”
“What’s your type?” I added sugar to my tea and stirred it slowly.
He tapped his lip, then shrugged. “I like men. You okay with that?”
I swallowed hard and nodded, unsurprised at his admission. I had no gaydar, couldn’t spot one at ten paces, but it never occurred to me that Killian would like anyone but men. How else could I explain his being here?
But he wasn’t finished. “Men like you.”
I frowned. “What do you mean, like me? You don’t know me.”
My heart raced, loud in my ears. No one knew me.