“He slapped me, Killian. What are you going to do about it?” The smile on his face told me he wasn’t mad. Hell, I’d had him over my knee before now. He loved spankings, so I wasn’t really bothered.
“Absolutely nothing, Ash. You act like a brat, you suffer the consequences. Play your cards right, and he’ll do it again.”
The bouncer blew on his hands, then rubbed them together. “You want another, kid?”
“Maybe another time. Tonight, I’m with him.” Ash pointed at me, and in that instant, all my enthusiasm disappeared.
What the fuck was I doing? Unsure if I was being used or the one doing the using, my earlier conversation with Seth came back to me.
What did I want from my life? It wasn’t this. Fucking around with anyone and everyone.
No, if I really wanted to make my life about performing and singing, that’s where my efforts should be.
“You know what? I’m going to head home. He’s all yours if you want him.” I patted the bouncer on the shoulder and walked away. I could hear Ash shouting, but his words were lost in the music still thumping in the club.
For a moment, I regretted my decision to turn down what would likely have been a marathon night of sex. Was I being an eejit? Quite likely, but now I couldn’t give a fuck.
I walked home, Ash no longer in my head, but the man I’d met last night. I was sure I’d seen him at the club, but from our brief interaction, I wouldn’t have imagined it was his kind of place.
The club was known for being, shall we say, uninhibited? A veritable den of iniquity. You could go there and basically dowhatever the fuck you wanted. It was a borderline sex club, although it wasn’t advertised that way.
I knew Ash would have a field day there, and I also knew I’d left him in safe hands. No doubt he’d complain, but I was a big boy. I could take it.
I pulled my coat tighter and shivered. Despite the cold, the night was busy, plenty of people milling around the bars and clubs. The smell of food had my stomach grumbling, reminding me I’d barely eaten today.
In fact, I didn’t think I’d had anything at all. Some days, I lived on coffee and cigarettes. Not the healthiest lifestyle, but sometimes, that was all I had in the flat. Occasionally, the karaoke bar would let me eat there, but Greg wasn’t so generous. He wanted his pound of flesh. How happy would he be knowing I’d left with Ash? Did I really care?
When did I become so careless with other people’s lives? How many lives had I ruined with how I was?
Seth, for sure. I couldn’t count Ash. He was looking out for number one.
My family at home.
My brother.
Fuck, it’d been a while since I’d remembered him. My chest tightened, memories of that fateful night invading my thoughts.
I shook my head, but the images remained. I rested my hand on a nearby fence and took a deep, pained breath, rubbing my chest as the cold air filled my lungs.
You’d think I’d learn my lesson. It was I who had drunk too much, who had filled my body with fuck knows what, but it was he who had paid the ultimate price.
He’d lost his life because of me. Because of my cocky confidence. I was safe to drive, but was I? I was the older brother. I should have known better.
My parents had never forgiven me. I’d been disowned, thrown out. But even worse than that, I’d never forgiven myself. I’d hit rock bottom. Lost myself in drugs and drink. That was when I’d met Seth.
Yes, that was why this had surfaced now. I’d disappointed and hurt the only man to have shown any interest in my recovery. But then our relationship had turned to something more, and that was when the problems began again. I couldn’t seem to escape sorrow. It always found me.
Seth had his own issues, and we both should have known better. We would never be a good match. Like oil on water, we’d never be compatible.
It didn’t stop us from trying, but where had it led us?
Seth hoping for something he knew I’d never be able to give him, and me still looking for solace at the bottom of a bottle.
I might have given up the drugs, and fuck knows, I should give up the booze, but I needed something to keep the memories of that foggy day at bay.
Maybe in time, I’d be able to address it, but ten years later, I was still suffering the consequences of my actions.
Perhaps I always would. Perhaps this was why I was still struggling to make a name for myself. I couldn’t forget the past.