He believed me. Of course he believed me. I said it calmly, met his eyes, gave him just enough detail. It was a good lie. Efficient. The kind you learn in foster care when caseworkers ask if you're okay.
His hand traces patterns on my stomach. Lazy, affectionate. He thinks I've done this before. He doesn't know that every single second was new, new and overwhelming and more than I could have imagined. I wanted it so much I lied to make sure I could have it.
"You're thinking loud," he says softly.
"My eyebrows again?"
"Can't see your eyebrows from here. But your breathing changed." His mouth presses against my hair. "What's going on in there?"
I could tell him now. In the dark, in the warm. Maybe he'd be okay with it. Maybe the after is different from the before. Maybe now that it's done and I'm clearly fine, he wouldn't spiral.
Or maybe the hurt would be worse. Because I lied. I let him believe I had experience when I had none, and that means he didn't know what he was actually doing. He didn't get to choose with full information, which is exactly the thing he values most. I took his choice away.
Not tonight. I can't ruin tonight. If I tell him now, that becomes the memory. Not the tenderness. The lie.
"I'm just happy," I say. That part is true. "Really, really happy."
He pulls me closer. "Me too."
"Silas?"
"Hmm?"
"Thank you. For tonight."
"You don't have to thank me."
"I know. I want to."
He kisses the back of my neck. "Stay tonight?"
"I shouldn't. Tyler will worry."
"Text him."
I find my phone. Text Tyler:Staying out tonight. I'm safe.
WITH BOOK GUY???
Goodnight, Tyler.
USE PROTECTION
Goodnight.
DEVIN I'M SO PROUD OF YOU
I put the phone down. Silas laughs against my neck. He read the screen, and I should be embarrassed but I'm not.
"Goodnight, Dev," he says.
"Goodnight."
I fall asleep in his arms. It's the first time in years, maybe ever, that I've fallen asleep feeling completely safe. Not library-safe. Real safe. The kind where you let go all the way, trust that the person holding you will still be there when you surface.
The lie will still be there too.
Tomorrow I'll figure out how to deserve this.