Vaughn:When I was 21 I was an idiot
Knox:Was?
I turn off my phone and throw it on the couch. But the damage is done. Twenty-one. Eleven years younger than me. When I was twenty-one, I was... actually, I was reading fantasy novels and avoiding people, so not that different.
Except I had my own apartment. And a car.
The bar is quiet tonight. Knox is in his office. Toby went upstairs hours ago. Ezra and Nico are in the kitchen, doing something with the books that involves Nico's laptop and Ezra'stea and a shared concentration so focused it's almost intimate. Vaughn's in the garage, working late, the way Vaughn works when he doesn't want to think. Jason and Ash are at Ash's house.
I'm on the couch in the common room with a book I can't read and a phone I keep turning back on.
The week replays behind my eyes. Monday: the book on his chair, his face when he saw it, the vending machine coffee for two. Tuesday: notes about the senior book club, his laughter across the reading room, the text at midnight aboutThe Lions of Al-Rassanthat felt like being handed something private. Wednesday: twenty-two minutes of sleep in a library chair and the way his eyes found me when he woke up, like I was the first thing he needed to confirm was real. Today: his hands steady on the espresso machine, the blue mug he always gives me, the note exchange that's become a language only we speak.
And then Tyler, loud and loving and oblivious, blowing the number into the room like a grenade. Twenty-one. TWENTY-ONE.
I left. I said happy birthday and I left, and the look on his face as I walked out, confused, then hurt, then carefully blank in the way he goes blank when he's protecting himself, is going to live in my chest for a long time.
I pick up my phone again. Different chat.
Me:Jason, what were you doing at 21?
Jason:Working. Trying to figure out who I was. Why?
Me:Just wondering
Jason:This about Devin?
Me:No
Jason:Liar. What happened?
Me:He turned 21 today
Jason:And?
Me:And I'm 32
Jason:So? Ash is older than me and I don't see the problem
Me: Ash wasn't living in a youth shelter at 21
A long pause. Then:
Jason:He's in a shelter?
Me:Forget I said that. That's his business.
Jason:Silas. Does Robin know?
Me:I don't know. Probably suspects. Don't say anything.
Jason:I won't. But — you like this kid?
I stare at the message. Like. Such a small word for what's been happening this week. For the smiley faces and the vending machine coffee and the way he talks about books like they saved his life, which they probably did.
Me:Yeah.
Jason:Then the age doesn't matter. The situation matters. Be careful with him. But don't walk away because of a number.