“What just happened?” I said.
“Oh, honey. Come sit.”
I sank down beside Bibi, staring at the door.
“What did she say to you, Shiloh? Did she…”
“Tell me the truth? No.” I turned my head on a stiff neck. “Youhave to tell me, Bibi. Tell me everything you know.”
“I can’t—”
“Do you know who my father is? Do you know what happened between him and Mama?” I felt tears gather in the back of my throat. “I’m the battle she lost, Bibi. That’s what she came to tell me.”
Bibi’s eyes fell shut. “Lord, baby, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“So is she. Everyone is sorry, but no one will tell me anything.”
“It’s not my place,” she said. “It’s up to your mother to unlock her heart for you or not. I’m angry with her for showing up out of the blue when I knew she wasn’t ready. Saying things that would only hurt and confuse you.” She shook her head grimly. “Foolishness.”
“I hate feeling this way,” I said quietly. “With her but with you too.”
“I know. But it can’t be helped. I made a promise. And keeping one’s word means something.”
“Even if it hurts me?”
She shook her head, her warm face that I’d turned to for comfort a thousand times now stiff and unmovable, her tone firm. “I’m sorry for that, Shiloh. But I also made a promise to myself. To only ever do what I think is best for you. To protect your happiness.”
I understood her meaning, and the dread sank heavier in my stomach.Telling me the truth is worse than keeping me in the dark.
I pushed off the couch. “I didn’t get much sleep last night. I’m going to lie down. Do you need anything?”
“No, honey, but wait…”
I did something I’d never done before; I ignored her and went to my room. My heart, already cracked wide, cracked again for the rift between us. I curled up on my bed and didn’t go to school that day. Or the next.
Or the one after that.
My phone chimed with texts until I put it on silent without looking at them.
On the third afternoon I’d spent lying on the couch in sweatpants and an old T-shirt, watching her programs with her, Bibi stood over me, hands on her hips.
“You just going to lie around for…how long? You’re missing a lot of school.”
“I’m taking a few personal days.”
“This isn’t like you, Shiloh.”
Isn’t it? Who’s to say? I don’t know who I am.
She sighed at my silence and sat down next to me, her hand gentle on my shoulder.
I couldn’t resent her for keeping whatever promise she’d made to Mama, but it had taken these three painful days to get us back to where we’d been—about the same amount of time for the shock of my mother’s sudden visit to wear off.
But the hangover wouldn’t quit.
A pain had lodged deep in my chest or heart…or maybe deeper than that. A knife stab in my damn soul. I thought about Ronan’s mother. It was horrible he’d lost her, but maybe that was better than having her alive and walking the earth, thinking her own kid was a battle she’d fought and lost.
The sun was turning a twilight gold when my phone vibrated with an incoming call.