“I should’ve done it a long time ago. But I was scared. And wanted to protect you. But it hurt you instead. My weakness hurtus. Because I look at you…and I see him. And I can’t…”
She half sat, half fell into the dining room chair. I rushed forward and knelt in front of her, even as fear sank cold knives into my chest. “What happened? Tell me now.”
Mama’s head lolled; she was so drunk. “I loved him, but he didn’t love me the same way. He couldn’t have. Hecouldn’thave.”
“Mama, who?”
“No one,” she answered, her smile sad. Resigned. “He’s no one now. He has no name anymore. He’s just the man who raped me.”
I stared, her words slapping me across the face, brutal and harsh. That word, the ugliest, heaviest word, carrying with it a lifetime of pain.
“That’s all he is,” Mama said. “All he can ever be. Except…he’s not. No matter how I try to make him nothing, he can’t ever be nothing.” She raised her tear-streaked face to mine. “Because he’s your father.”
The ground tipped out from under me, and I fell to the carpet. My heartbeat had slowed to a heavy clanging in my chest, blood rushing to my ears.
“No, I…” I glanced around vaguely, not seeing. My mouth had gone dry. I couldn’t breathe. “It can’t be. He loved you. You said he loved you.”
“I thought he did too,” Mama said sadly, the sorrow emanating off her in waves. “But I told him I wanted to wait.” She shrugged, horrible in its finality. “He didn’t.”
The implications filled me, the cruel truth hollowing me out and leaving me empty.
Because what am I? The product of a nightmare. Mama’s nightmare in the flesh.
I don’t know how long I sat there, but voices surrounded us until the room felt suffocating. Bertie and Bibi and Rudy, all scolding or comforting. Letitia was kneeling next to me, speaking softly in my ear. I wanted to get up and run. I wanted to curl up in a ball right there on the floor.
Then strong arms wrapped around me, and I burrowed into Ronan. Sought refuge in him, clinging to him and wishing I could crawl inside him and be safe.
“Ronan…”
“Shh.” He sounded angry. Hefeltangry, his body vibrating with it as he held me.
He’d started to lift me, to get me out of there, when the doorbell rang. The house that had been bustling with raised voices suddenly hushed.
Rudy opened the door, and I heard men’s voices, indistinct. Then Ronan tensed around me all over again, holding me tighter.
“Shiloh.” Uncle Rudy’s voice was trembling. “These officers are here to see you.”
He stepped aside, and I saw two uniformed policemen in the doorway. A chill ran through me, leaving me numb. With Ronan’s help, Istood on stiff legs. Bibi had her hand to her mouth. Letitia’s eyes were wide.
“Shiloh Barrera?”
“Yes.” My voice didn’t sound like mine.
“Are you the owner of Rare Earth Jewelry?”
I felt the sledgehammer poised to fall again, about to change my life forever.
“Yes.”
Both men looked grim. Apologetic. “We’re going to need you to come with us.”
Twenty-NineRonan
The second trip to Rare Earth was fucking light-years from the first, and I could hardly believe they both happened in the same night.
Bertie and Bibi stayed home with Shiloh’s mother, who’d begun sobbing after spilling her secret and hadn’t stopped. The rest of us followed the cop car downtown. Rudy and Letitia took the Cadillac. I drove the Buick, glancing at Shiloh beside me. She sat silently, staring at nothing; her beautiful face was blank, shocked numb. Her perfect night, ruined. I gripped the steering wheel tight.
The streets were empty, and the store was dark. The front entrance looked the same except for the police tape that ran across the front door and the squad car parked directly in front.