“Don’t be sorry. I just figured you’re a private person. I respect that. But sometimes, I wonder if something…bad had happened to you. With a boy.”
“No, nothing bad. God, Vi. I’m sorry for making you think that. I’ve been a shitty friend.”
“No…”
“Yes.You keep saying I know who I am and what I want. How I’m whole. But the truth is just the opposite.”
“Tell me.”
It was my turn to toy with the blanket. “I don’t know what to say. Because I don’t know what I feel. Orhowto feel.”
“About Ronan?” Her voice softened. “Do you love him?”
I didn’t know how to answer except that a little voice whispered I could love Ronan Wentz if I was brave too.
“I…don’t know.”
Violet smiled gently. “You can’t lie to someone in a hospital. It’s a rule.”
I tried to smile back and failed. “What’s wrong with me started long before Ronan. With my mom.” I heaved a breath. “Every summer, I go to New Orleans. All those visits I don’t tell you about? They’re to see her. But she hates me, Vi. I work hard trying to make something of myself, as if I have to prove my worth. But it doesn’t matter what I do. She regrets having me.”
I’m the battle she lost.
God, that truth was like a knife straight through the center of me, a wound that wouldn’t close, and I didn’t know how I could be good for anyone until it did.
“Oh, Shi.”
“I’ve been putting on the appearance of strength, hoping if I pretended hard enough, I could justbestrong. So that I’d look like I have my shit together. But I’m an impostor. So when Ronan comes along…”
“You’re scared.”
My automatic reflex was to deny. I nodded instead. The image of Ronan on my doorstep in the rain came back to me, and my chest tightened, trying to squeeze out a lifetime’s worth of tears.
“Mama taught me it’s better to be alone than left behind,” I said, hardly a whisper. “It’s better to be the one who shuts the door. To not risk being hurt. Because I already hurt. Every day.”
Violet took my hand and just held it, saying nothing but being there.
I heaved a breath. “This is stupid. I should be the one comforting you.”
“You are,” Violet said. “I love you, Shi. You’re my best friend, but I’ve never felt as close to you as I do right now.”
“I wish I’d told you everything sooner.”
“We have from now on.” Violet smiled. “It’s not too late.”
I squeezed her hand. “I’m so grateful that it’s not.”
Because too late is death.
They discharged Violet several hours later. Her parents came to pry her away from Miller and me and take her home.
I hugged her goodbye and went straight to the shack.
TwentyRonan
“Hey.”
I looked up from where I was sitting in Holden’s huge chair, staring at nothing. Shiloh stood at the rough-cut entrance to the shack, looking insanely beautiful in a long white skirt and tight white T-shirt. Her braids fell over her shoulders and frayed softly at the ends, blowing in the breeze off the ocean. The sun was setting behind her, glinting off a copper bracelet coiled around her upper arm. She looked like a fucking queen.